Fairies, Fears, Diapers, and Death

@RomanLucious is a father.

Last night, the Deputy informed me that for the last month, he has been playing house with @FaeKayley after having kidnapped the infant child of a drug addicted prostitute. He killed the woman, destroyed her home, and took her son as his own. He has named the teacup Abel for reasons I never got around to asking.

Just that information was enough to leave my mind reeling for the remainder of the night.

I have always had confidence in the Deputy, he wouldn’t be my second-in-command if I did not, but I cannot help but wonder what possessed him to do such a thing. I asked, I could not help but ask, and I think Roman knew he owed an answer. What he has done is unthinkable. Our existence may not be the secret it once was, but that does not mean we do not have to practice caution. We are not humans. We stop being such a thing the moment our heartbeat ends. Roman gave himself over to our nature many centuries ago. The beings we are now are not what a child needs in this world.

The things this innocent and vulnerable human child will be exposed to are unthinkable. While they are second nature to us, no infant should know the death and destruction we revel in. No amount of concealment will keep this baby from seeing, hearing, and knowing more of this world than a child should ever have to.

Roman wanted to be a father though.

This, I can only understand. His confession, coupled with the pictures of the infant he displayed on his cell phone have left me regretfully reminiscent of my own mortal existence and the children I was forced to leave behind when @AppiusOcella took my heartbeat and with it, my humanity. How many times I ached to be with them, to watch them grow, to guide them as they became adults. How many hours I wondered of their well being, if they lived or died, if they thrived or found themselves lost after the loss of both their parents. I knew my own parents would protect and raise them to be great, but there was no comfort in leaving them as I did. There was no comfort in leaving them in a world of monsters.

But I had no choice. After all, I had become a monster myself.

I reminded myself repeatedly it was for the best I was forced to leave. Not only would I have endangered myself by returning to what I had known when alive, but I would be a threat to them without wanting to be such a thing. Those chapters had to be closed. My curiosity could not get the best of me. It was the only way they had a chance.

And what kind of a father could I have been? The vampire I am today is who I am meant to be. This nature is mine, and it is right. While I hope my sons became the warrior and fighter I was, I hope they never knew the savagery I prize myself on today existed.

That is what awaits @Baby_Abel. These are the things he will learn and know. There is no amount of glamor that will keep it from him. There is no amount of concealment that will let him keep the innocence of a child, an innocence a child deserves for the short time they are able to have it in this world.

The Deputy has already given the boy his blood. He intends to bond to him. I do not know what to think of this.

@BiancaNorthman and I inquired as to whether or not he fully understood the ramifications of his actions. I cannot imagine a pain greater than raising and caring for a human, a human who will age, know sickness, and eventually, death, all while we remain unchanged. Roman insists he will give the boy the choice eventually to join him in immortal death, but is that enough?

I have recently felt the unthinkable pain of losing a bond to death, of losing a human I intended on making my child. All it took was a moment… a mere second on her own and her life was over, and in her wake, I felt the pain. It is a blinding ache, an emptiness left behind one can never refill. A part of me, a part of everything I am and have done in my thousand years on this plane, was lost with the severance of the bond. I will never get that back.

While my Deputy felt such a pain as well, it was an ache for what might have been. It was an ache for what he has never known, in this existence or in his humanity, and I fear that is his reason for growing so close to this child so quickly. I fear his rash decisions that could have severe repercussions have never truly crossed his mind, and if they have, he has not given in to the urge to consider them.

He wants so badly to be a father. Can I fault him for this?

As much as I would like to, I cannot. While I was expected to father children when alive in order to add to our often dwindling numbers, it became much more than a requirement. There is a completion in being a father, just as there is a fulfillment in being a Maker. I try to picture my existence without the children I fathered in life and it is as impossible as picturing my eternity without @VampNiklas, without Bianca, without @pamiravenscroft, without @AnnaPPhillips, without @NolanFerrior, even without @VaughnBrennan.

Completely impossible.

Their accomplishments are my own. I have pride in everything they do, in everything they have become. Their errors pang me because they are my own failures. Their choices are testament to my role as a Maker, both good and bad. They are extensions of myself, extensions I cannot imagine never having had.

The mere thought of my existence without them is painful, lonely, and more dreary than words could ever express.

When I look past the clear, obvious, and severely detrimental ramifications of Roman’s actions, I can only say I understand. While I fear he does not truly understand how badly this can end, and while I fear if it does end badly, it will be the end of him, I can only support his decision with only a few reservations I will allow to linger. I have offered him all the protection of Area Five I can give, but is that enough?

He is but a baby. A human child. A breakable, vulnerable being incapable of protecting himself. And we are vampires, who know no depth we will not sink to, no pawn that is untouchable, no life we would not hesitate to end if it benefited us. Roman is a target just as I am. A target of other vampires, a target of other Supernaturals, a target for organizations of hate such as the Fellowship of the Sun. He will be for as long as he walks this earth.

So no, it is not nearly enough. I simply hope Roman knows this. I hope his fairy knows this.

More than that, I hope they truly understand it.

After all, I do. I have wondered if I should tell him of Niklas and of the selfish reasons that led me to turn him seven hundred years ago, reasons I have kept so silent for all these years. I do not know if it would help him, or if it would give him hope that may not be beneficial now. If he focuses on the tomorrow, will he ever be prepared for what he will face today?

Children seem to be finding more of a place with the undead. Roman is not the first vampire I have seen undertaking the role of a parent to a mortal being. Perhaps it is not so radical. Perhaps “leaving the coffin” has offered us luxuries we couldn’t afford when hidden.

I will admit, it has me wondering, and, as always, thinking.

I cannot help but be reminded of @AbigaleDawson and her fences, her desires to wed, settle down, and have children. It was something I could not offer her, despite my desire of her. It was simply not possible. I was not surprised when she found @WereTDawson who could.

But what of @BarmaidSookie? While I have always attempted to keep my humans at a distance, reminding myself I would tire of their entertainments long before such issues truly needed broaching, I find myself growing attached to her. We have not discussed the future in any great depths. It is a depressing, daunting prospect when we both are aware I will remain as I am eternally and she changes by the day. Still, the idea of her finding one who can and will give her the things I have always thought myself incapable of is painful.

Could I fault her for wanting the very things humans are expected to want? Things, it seems, even vampires desire whether we mean to or not? Could I fault her for finding someone who would give them to her if she wanted them with me, but I refused? Sookie has rejected me so many infuriating times, but never because of what I am, never because of my limitations. Could I, in turn, reject her because my limitations are not what I have always believed them to be?

Damn Roman for making me think this much about something I never thought I would need to think on again.

I hope he vomits on his fairy blood.

Three Nights, Infinite Confusion

Where do I even begin when it comes to Sookie Stackhouse?

It seems almost unnecessary to say that the telepath infuriates me. I believe I've been saying such since nearly the first time she walked into my nightclub looking fully the part of a Southern belle who had gotten herself extremely lost in a world she shouldn't have wanted to know existed. Had she not been so firmly glued to @TruBloodBill's arm, I'd have had the girl in the back of the club, bent over my desk, moaning my name, and begging for my fangs to sink into her smooth, untainted flesh before she even realized where she had found herself.

At least, that is what I have always liked to think.

I don't like to toy with the idea that I am ever wrong. Such a thing has always seemed unfeasible, and not without reason. For over a thousand years time, I have always gotten what I wanted, when I wanted it. I have gotten who I wanted, when I wanted them. If, by some miracle, someone did not see eye to eye with me, I changed their mind with an ease others could only dream of possessing. Call it charisma, call it strength, call it wisdom, intuition or even a bull-headed stubborn demeanor none could break me of, it matters not to me. At the end of the night, I was always the victor, content to revel in the glory of my spoils.

Until that wonderful, awful, exciting, annoying, amusing, infuriating, fascinating, damning night, anyway.

How is it one tiny human can drive me so completely insane?

Nights on end I have thought of her to the point she has seemingly possessed me. In my moments of silent, inner reflection, oblivious to the world around me, how often has her faced flashed through my thoughts? How many times have I cursed the night the telepath first came to me seeking aid only to follow the damnation up with wondering why she is not at my side? How often have I laid down at dawn with her name playing through my head only to wake at darkness with her name embarrassingly begging to leave my lips?

What fuckery is this?

I've attempted fruitlessly to figure it out more times than I care to count, let alone acknowledge. What is so special about this girl? One who should be as insignificant to me as every other human I have ever had? Is it simply that I haven't had her? When she finally yields to me completely, will I finally get @BarmaidSookie out of my head? Can something that has consumed me so completely be so easily shaken?

She was Bill's. Every time I heard her or him remind me of such a thing it was a challenge to my ears. If Bill had managed to attain her, I could naturally take her for myself. I am superior to Bill in every way. Such should be considered a simple fact by all. This was no normal human though, something that was impossible not to know from the very beginning. Sookie is- dare I think it- special. I'm not speaking of her gift, though that in itself is rare and extraordinary and possessing her is something that would have all others of my kind coveting me, but that was not what I noticed. She is obviously beautiful, but I can find and have any dozen women a night who are equally appealing to the eye. I would not even bother to learn their names. That wasn't it.

It was her life, her spirit, that drew me in. It was her blind acceptance of things and those she should not. It was her compassion for those who did not deserve it. It was how she preferred to be invisible than seen. It was the way she carried herself proudly through whispered words of harsh judgment. It was her courage to answer to no one but her conscience. It was a spark within her that could not be extinguished by anyone.

It was how she is everything I am not.

Is such a thing really so rare? I can hardly say I often take the time to get to know the mortals around me. Most bore me before they ever open their mouths to offer their dull introductions. How can Sookie fascinate me so much? I don't understand it, but I want desperately to know. A simple explanation... something to ease my mind so I can file Sookie away into the back of my thoughts and no longer be bogged down by this hopeless, senseless curiosity. I keep telling myself once I have her completely, I will be able to walk away from her and dismiss her as I have dismissed so many.

But do I even believe that any longer?

Three nights. Three nights in a row I have given to this human. When was the last time a single human was worthy of, let alone given three nights of my existence for no reason other than I desired their companionship? Yes, it was Sookie's birthday and I have used that as justification to others, to Sookie, and to myself as the reason for my time with her, but is that true? Can I admit to myself that I wonder if it is more than that? Can I admit to myself that I truly did mean what I told @AnnaPPhillips? That Sookie- a human who refuses me more often than not- is important to me?

She is. And it baffles me. And it concerns me.

Compton no longer stands in my way, but Sookie refuses me. While I am nearly positive he is somehow to blame for it, rejection is something I preferred being unfamiliar with. I will not push the telepath, but can I endure the personal humiliation forced upon me every time I am pushed away? Her very blood calls out to me and I can feel myself flowing through her veins, but my very involvement with her endangers so much that is important to me. I can never claim to think with a completely clear mind when near her and that is what makes good vampires second dead. Is the risk I am taking worth this? Is anything worth this torment?

Perhaps distance is the answer. I know @BiancaNorthman would support such a solution wholeheartedly. Every night I have returned to the room we are sharing, I am certain she has smelled the telepath upon me. I can feel her contempt and nearly see the cogs in her head turning, trying to figure out if there is a way she can eliminate the waitress I have bonded to, the human I care for more than I should. I have had Sookie so near me for some time now, perhaps that is my mistake. I feel her nightly, whether I intend on such or not. Since I find no resolution in my curiosity and desire, she consumes me further. If I push myself away, could I shake this hold she has on me?

I don't really know and I hate not knowing, but isn't anything better than this?

Nothing involving humans should be allowed to be this confusing and tormenting. I better drain and fuck something tonight, if only for my own sanity.