Where Has the Time Gone?

The sun has just set in Stockholm and I've risen to find my lover curled up beside me, eyes closed with a peaceful expression resting upon her face I have memorized with my fingertips and lips so many times over. The sweet, crisp smell of the winter wind coupled with the salty smell of the nearby sea clings to her skin from our adventures in the snow last night. I can barely concentrate on those when the scent of her blood and our sex still hangs so prevalent in the air, however. It takes a great amount of willpower for me to resist rousing her from her slumber in my favorite way, but my lover is exhausted. I can feel this threaded through our bond. So for now, I will let her sleep.

Truly, I can understand her exhaustion. The holiday season and all that has followed it since has been hectic with seldom a moment to spare. @BarmaidSookie and I have had little time to rest or relax, something neither her nor I will voice any word of complaint about. We have been surrounded by those we value and care for in the past days and nights, and I can feel that Sookie feels blessed for this. When my lover is in such spirits, I cannot help but smile myself.

It is, however, high time I take a moment to record these happenings. I have collected centuries worth of journals, each filled to the brim with my thoughts and memories, yet I cannot help but feel that even a thousand years from now, I will read the writings I make now most often, treasuring them above all others.

Sookie and all that she has given me truly has changed me.

Nothing could have been made more obvious after a night alone at her deteriorating farmhouse was interrupted by a very uninvited guest. When the knock came on the door, I thought little of it. Sookie is often visited by the residents of Bon Temps I can barely tolerate the presence of, but when she opened it and I heard the voice of the visitor from her kitchen, it was as if a fear I hadn’t known I had, had been realized.

I have done everything I could to keep Sookie from ever being forced to meet @AppiusOcella. Naturally, he went out of his way to demonstrate exactly why that was.

I could not immediately figure out what had prompted the visit, but the purpose became clear quickly enough. Appius was well aware of the pain I had experienced at the hands of the witches when @BarWithABite was burned. He knew my body was still not whole and I silently cursed the witches who tore through my flesh, leaving me to the pangs of regenerating it, and ultimately giving my Maker this opportunity to approach me and my human under the guise of a favor.

No matter what his words may have said, his true intentions were obvious. He was well aware of my lover and curious of her. It did not take long for him to acknowledge he has been involved with @ClaudeCrane, the fairy who is rapidly becoming a pain in my ass, though not in the way he would certainly choose to be. Sookie was as shocked by this news as I was, not to mention torn between being deeply concerned for her fairy kin and angry at him for speaking of her to a vampire who is undeniably a danger to her.

Appius did not stop there, naturally. He ordered me to feed from him to aid in my healing, and as an order from my Maker, I could not refuse it. The short trek between the chair I had been seated in and the feet of my Maker seemed impossibly long, and I could feel Sookie’s eyes on me as my fangs reluctantly sunk through his wrist and I drank of his ancient blood. The murmurings of approval he offered up as I consumed again of the blood that created me were made worse by the feelings of discomfort resonating through our bond from Sookie.

He was quick to leave, but not quick enough to spare me from feeling more disgusted in myself than I would ever normally allow.

I couldn’t speak a word to Sookie, not one, but she didn’t seem to desire my words or explanation either. There were so many feelings and emotions present that I knew were not my own, but I failed to recognize a single one of them. She immediately went to her phone, to call the fairy for answers, and I went to scrub away the feelings that consumed me in the shower. I went through all the hot water the farmhouse offered me and then some. I felt no cleaner when I exited than when I entered.

I didn’t speak upon emerging either. Sookie was exhausted, and simply asked that she be allowed to retire. I nodded my consent though I did not feel I deserved to hold her as she slumbered, even though she requested it. Until the dawn took me to my daily death, I thought of nothing but how I could possibly right the things between Sookie and I because of my Maker’s visit. There was so much I had never told her. There was so much I had never wanted to tell her. I knew that would be changing, whether I liked it or not.

Mostly, I did not.

Yet at the same time, I did. A piece of me, small, but present regardless, wants to share all I am and all I have ever been with my lover. It is so easy to give the pieces of myself to her that are “good” or “desirable,” but the things I regret, the things I choose to avoid any thought of myself, are much more difficult to unbury. Sookie has been a gift to me, one I know I have not earned and do not deserve, and a part of me is nearly certain I will lose her when she realizes such. Offering her the reasons to walk away seems foolish, yet doesn’t she deserve to know? Doesn’t she deserve to have these choices?

When I rose the following night, Sookie was ready to discuss everything we had avoided the previous night, even if I was reluctant to do so. I can deny her nothing though, and offered her what I could, and what she wished to know. I told her of the night my human life ended. I told her of what greeted me upon my first night as one of the undead. I told her of staking my brother, and the wrath I had incurred from Appius for doing so. Finally, I told her of the price I ultimately paid for such an act… and I could tell it broke her heart to hear it.

I try not to think of @VaughnBrennan and what I did to him, but Sookie wanted to know it all. Turning him as I did only to give him to Appius, knowing he would either meet a second, final death swiftly or be a prisoner at best, is something I struggle with nightly. Regularly, I wish my Maker would have ended him immediately. The loss of a child is damning and encompassing. The void it creates can never be filled, but at least a void is empty. The fact that Appius has not ended him has left me to feel Vaughn’s misery regularly. Each time, I am reminded of how carelessly I treated my blood- everything I am- by giving him to Appius.

Sookie insists I must see to his freedom from Appius. I do not know how I can possibly accomplish this, but I agree. Vaughn is my child, even if he has not seen me since the night he rose, even if he has been imprisoned for nearly a year because of my actions. I must find a way to right this. I cannot comprehend it, but Sookie has forgiven me for what I have done, or will completely if I am able to get Vaughn away from my Maker.

Truly, I do not deserve someone so abnormally good.

My lover and I celebrated the day of Jul the Christians stole from my people and now call Christmas alone together, which was exactly as it should have been. Between all the planning required for our trip to Sweden and the White Elephant party Sookie hosted, along with uninvited visitors creating tension between us, we required the time with one another and the simple peace we bring the other. I offered no words of protest over the many Christmas movies she desired to watch yet again, even if I have them reluctantly memorized from the first time she insisted we view them. I have come to the conclusion I regret not having had a taste of Rosemary Clooney during her White Christmas days, but I have wisely kept this thought to myself.

The night following our Christmas in Bon Temps, Sookie and I drove to Shreveport with Hundr in order to indulge in a holiday family dinner occurring at @VampyJo's residence. @AngeloSenior and his daughter, @GiannaVerdone were present, along with JoAnna’s siblings, @NandoYTM and @AutumnYTM, and, of course, @WereBabyLily. Autumn and JoAnna had concocted what I was told was an Italian meal for the humans, while the vampires present indulged in glass after glass of human blood. Though I knew nothing of the food the humans among us consumed, it smelled somewhat pleasing… with the exception being the garlic bread.

Sookie, thankfully, did not indulge in that.

It was an interesting dynamic at the table. I do not know JoAnna’s siblings as well as I possibly should, beyond the fact that her sister possesses a chest I wouldn’t mind ravaging if I was not so loyal to my lover, and that her brother seems to be attracted to me. Angelo and Gianna seem to be an extended family to the Livingstons, something I knew from our trip to New Jersey, but something I had not truly seen before that night. They are like one family. Things flowed naturally, with a mixture of rivalry and affection in the air, and of course, it’s fair share of cursing.

Gianna has requested that I allow Angelo to live with her, something that I think is a dreadful idea. I have only encountered her a handful of times since being burdened with the task of seeing to Angelo, but the few times have been enough to make me wonder how no one has ever drained her before. The girl is very attractive and apparently eager to have sex with me, but incredibly dim-witted and annoying. I can only imagine that if she were to live with her father, in a moment of newborn hunger, he’d drain the girl without second thought and not regret the silence such an act brought with it for some time.

Still, both she and the vampire insist they desire it. I cannot simply allow Angelo to roam far from me, not without disobeying Appius, something I am as incapable of doing as Angelo is. I have, however, agreed to look into realty in my neighborhood. Perhaps it is not unthinkable to secure the pair a home very nearby my own. At least it would keep Angelo from listening to Sookie and I fuck into the wee hours of the morning.

At one point in time, Sookie threw a shrimp at Gianna. I am not sure what custom this is or what it’s meaning is. I must remember to have Pam or Bianca look into it for me so I know when it is something I should do myself.

Sookie and I told JoAnna a little of the encounter we had had with Appius and about what he had said about Claude. The three of us share a fear that my Maker will end the fruity fairy and in doing so, bring on consequences all of us are unprepared for. Though JoAnna is too young to know of Niall and though Sookie has never met her ancient great-grandfather, I have encountered the fairy prince before, and know well enough the death of his grandson would lead to war.

What concerns me most about such a prospect is the idea that Sookie could be taken from me. Since learning of her fae heritage, I have fought back the feelings of foreboding that threaten to enter my thoughts whenever it or her kin are mentioned. Though my lover has always been, if anything, too kind and generous to those around her, the fairies she shares blood with are just the opposite. JoAnna and Sookie have agreed to pressure Claude to end the foolish relationship he is engaging in with Appius, and I am left only hoping that, for once, the fairy is reasonable.

But I do not truly think he is capable of such a thing.

The next night seemingly proved such. For @CalienteChloe’s birthday, @DavidCallum and @RyderWylde planned a surprise celebration at a Shreveport Mexican restaurant in her honor. Sookie and I went to offer our well wishes to the hot tamale, who I hadn’t spoken to for more than a minute since she literally kissed my ass on Father’s Day. Many familiar faces dotted the restaurant’s population… @JulesBonTemps, @Cathy_BT (who I spanked), @AbigaleDawson, @WereLee, @WereBraiden, @WereAsher, @TedtheFae, and Claude, among others.

Claude seemed to spend the whole party poofing from place to place, spending his time stalking the Lieutenant and @RylanParker equally. I ended up joining the Lieutenant in covering myself in lemon juice, much to Sookie’s disapproval, but with how much tequila the fairy (and others) were consuming, I wasn’t about to take any chances. Despite the fruity fairy doing what he does best in making every straight male in an given place incredibly uncomfortable, Sookie and I had an excellent time, and were able to catch up with many people we had not seen in some time. Seeing Chloe so happy was quite a treat as well, since she certainly hadn’t seemed such a thing when she had been locking her lips to my butt.

When another fairy poofed into the restaurant to deliver the cake and began stripping, Sookie became highly uncomfortable and we were forced to take our leave. I cannot help but be slightly pleased that the only male my lover seems to desire naked is me, not that anyone could ever blame her for such.

With any good fortune, I have ruined her for all other men.

The next night Sookie and I met with @pamiravenscroft, @LaceyTB, @NiftyJenny, Claude, and JoAnna to do some necessary shopping for our time in Sweden. Sookie didn’t seem to believe me that she needed warm clothes for our trip, but with the presence of her friends around her, she seemed slightly more willing to indulge in the spree she views as a chore. She fussed over every price tag, but finally managed to make a number of selections the others seemed to approve of. I certainly approved of her lingerie selection. Since we landed in Sweden, I’ve shredded through a good portion of it already.

She picked a dress for our bonding ceremony and insisted I do not peek. I haven’t, though I have been more than a little tempted. I have seen the shoes she will be wearing with it, and if the dress in any way coordinates, I am certain I will be pleased. While we were shopping, I had to sneak off at one point to pick out more pricy items I was certain she would require for the trip, knowing there was no way she would “allow” me to buy them for her if she was given the option of offering input. She has yet to open the garment bag they are in, but I am sure it is only a matter of time until she does. Hopefully.

It wasn’t all play before Sweden, however. Pam had informed me the humans we were holding prisoner in the basement of Fangtasia were causing her more than a fair share of problems, so @BiancaNorthman was called in to offer her expertise. If there is one thing Bianca is excellent at, it is making a human cooperate. She had an excellent time torturing @Witch_Madison as @AshleyDanielss watched on in terror. With her infliction of pain upon the young witch, Bianca was able to obtain the name of the ginger witch who attacked me… @BrodyKeyes. The Were in question she was less certain of, but after a great deal of blood and prodding, she offered up the name @WereHallow. Bianca extracted an address from the girl as well.

Between Bianca, Pam, and I, it was agreed upon that Madison should not be killed, no matter how tempting it was. Though I had been oblivious to such a thing before, Bianca confessed that her daytime human, @OscarBrooks, is a witch and that he had advised her Madison may be carrying a curse tied to her existence. We decided not to take the risk of unleashing something more upon us, and instead are taking small measures to keep the girl alive, though she barely is.

If she dies of natural causes and not by our hand, however, oh well.

Ashley, we determined, wasn’t truly involved with the witches. Or, at least, was not until locked in the basement with one for nearly two weeks. After a brief discussion, I agreed to glamor her and remove the memories of her time in Fangtasia from her head, along with any memory of the witch she had bonded with in her time there.

I had avoided telling Sookie anything about the prisoners. After she had discovered the purpose of Fangtasia’s basement when learning of @JustLafayette’s time there, I knew well enough it was a topic best avoided altogether. Much may have changed between the two of us since then, but I knew my compassionate lover would still struggle with accepting the measures I must take in order to keep my Area functioning safely and the vampires within it safe.

Before glamoring Ashley, however, I made the confession to her. Sookie was reluctant to join me in the journey the following night to the club to remove the girl’s memories, but she did so, for Ashley’s sake. My lover offered the starving and sick girl food, clothes, and medication while I systematically removed her happenings and replaced them with false memories of my own creation. The looks Sookie gave me could have killed…

Fortunately, death isn’t much of a concern for me.

She was even more reluctant to search Ashley’s thoughts once my glamoring was complete in order to ensure everything had gone according to plan, but my lover did it all the same. She refused to have sex with me that night, and instead made me watch another one of the movies she enjoys so much. Even a single night without her body connecting to mine is like torture. I am going to make a point of keeping business I believe she will disapprove of from her in the future.

Things took an unexpected turn from there in the nights that followed. After not hearing from him in some time, @RomanLucious contacted me, informing me he was in the kingdom of Mississippi to pick up money from the casino he and JoAnna own in Biloxi for Fangtasia’s new security system. Something was undeniably off about the tone of his text messages, but I believed it came from uneasiness he felt being in @VampKingRussell’s territory.

I was wrong.

Well, not entirely wrong. Russell did indeed seek out the Deputy while he was in Mississippi. When Roman returned to Louisiana, he informed me immediately of the ominous, bizarre behavior of the neighboring king, and even I was concerned. We both believe Russell is watching Louisiana, and that he has stationed vampires near our kingdoms’ borders to keep him informed if any Louisiana vampire should cross into his territory. The biker bar the Deputy frequents that lies near the border seems to contain a mole loyal to the Mississippi king. It will all take more looking into.

That wasn’t what seemed to truly be on the Deputy’s mind, however, concerning as it was. I knew something was amiss when one of Roman’s messages acknowledged that he would be spending his daytime death at Fangtasia. When I inquired why he would not return to his dwelling instead, he informed me he had no home to his name any longer.

I offered him a room in my house. Sookie does enjoy being a hostess, and I could not help but be curious as to why my Deputy would believe himself homeless. When he arrived on my doorstep, Roman’s eyes looked every bit their seven century age, and he walked as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders instead of only the weight of an overstuffed duffle bag.

I genuinely had not been prepared for the tale that met me. Though Roman had confessed to having lost his fairy when we spoke at the ball in New Orleans, I had not realized the silence that followed had been directly related to it. He could not protect her, and came to the realization that he could not protect @Baby_Abel either. With a heavy heart, he informed me he had asked @CowgirlVamp to become Abel’s permanent guardian, and asked her to protect and care for his adopted son as he found himself unable to.

I could feel just how much of a loss this was to the Deputy. I have long known of his desires to be a father, something he hadn’t had the privilege of knowing in his human life. He had plans for Abel once he had grown, hoping to one day turn him into his child for eternity. Even though I was less than approving of those plans in particular, I could hardly judge him. Not when I have done all the things I have done.

I could feel his despair through the bond we share, the bond that has made us brothers by choice. I decided to tell him about my true relationship to @VampNiklas, making it the first time I have admitted aloud our connection in seven hundred years time. The words were not easy for me to part with, perhaps because I have always gone out of my way to repress and deny them, and I myself could not stop the rare pangs of guilt and remorse that dotted my feelings at the recollection.

Roman was surprised, as I imagine most would be. I think, however, he understood. Abel may not be of Roman’s blood, but he will always be his son. Perhaps now was not the right time for him, perhaps these circumstances were not all he hoped them to be, but that does not mean it will not happen. A time may come when he is presented with an opportunity to become a Maker, or to once again adopt a child for his own. It may not be Abel, but the relationship he will share with him or her will be as important and significant. It will happen for him.

Whether he realizes it or not, he is a good vampire, with a good head upon his shoulders. One night, he will become a Maker, and he will be a good one. There are hurdles he must overcome, but he will. His hesitancy is all in his mind. I trust the confidence will come in time. He has it in him, he just must recognize it instead of only recognizing his own shortcomings.

He will be welcome to stay with Sookie and I for as long as he may require. It is not as if we do not have the room, and I imagine the Deputy needs the presence of others right now.

With the Deputy nearby, I was given the opportunity to update him on the situation with the witches, as well as my intention to bond to Sookie a third, irrevocable time. Confessing to him that I loved her seemed to catch him off guard, but I do believe he means it when he says he is happy for me. He both agreed to join us in Sweden, and set to work on getting the witches monitored by video feed we’re able to access even in Europe.

While Roman and I were working on checking the video feed of the address the witch called Madison supplied us with, Sookie hosted Lacey for the night. It was safe to say the Deputy hadn’t planned on running into her, but I believe it was a good thing that he did. My lover and I offered the two of them a chance to talk, something I am nearly positive they have not done since the night we felt our connections to Lacey severed. While they spoke, I phoned @QueenBlackwood both to inform her about my leave of absence and to tell her all Roman informed me of Russell. She agreed to make the journey from Las Vegas to Shreveport in order to watch Area Five and the kingdom of Louisiana, and brought with her @TigerLevy, her personal bodyguard, and @Tammyjo__, her liaison to the Were community. She shares many of the concerns Roman and I have about Edington’s interest in the state and will no doubt keep her eyes on Mississippi while there. I know the state and Area Five could not be in better hands during my absence.

It wasn’t all work before we left Shreveport, however. @Kayden_D had invited my lover and I to her impressive home, and Sookie and I were anxious to accept. Since my lover heard her sing at the Blood Ball, she has wanted the chance to meet the enigmatic songstress, and I knew she would not be disappointed. We were greeted immediately by Kayden’s butler, @ButlerChauncey, who is demon at least in part by the scent of him. He made Sookie undeniably nervous. It was quite precious.

We settled down in her sitting room and I was sorely tempted by the ball of yarn and knitting needles that rested in the middle of the coffee table. It seems Kayden had heard of my knitting talents and was eager to see if they were true. What can I say? When a woman has interest in watching me knit, I will knit, every time.

I had been eager for Sookie to meet Kayden if for no reason other than I knew the newborn vampire possesses extraordinary gifts, gifts she had had in life as well. Empathy, though not something normal (or perhaps even desirable) in the undead, is a powerful gift, and one Kayden was quite willing to speak about. She too had struggled with her ability to shield it when she was but a mortal, and explained that it was with the help of an old vampire that she became in better control of her talent.

The one thing I immediately took away from her words was that it was most easy to control once her heart no longer was beating. The fact that her gift hadn’t died with her is also most intriguing to me. It would be a lie to say in that moment, I did not look curiously at Sookie, wondering over what kind of vampire she would make. Death is not something that has been discussed between the two of us in depth, at least, not her own, but I cannot help but wonder. The idea of ever losing this rare and extraordinary woman is incomprehensible to me, but I do not know how she would feel about ever joining the race of beings she sees as so senselessly violent and too often unfeeling. My lover is compassionate, forgiving, kind, and sweet. These words simply do not describe vampires.

Perhaps it is something best never discussed with her. If I give her the opportunity to tell me she never wishes my existence for herself, she will be furious if I ever should bring her over. I do not want to imagine the wrath she would offer up in her newborn state. If I avoid the discussion altogether, there is always the chance when the time comes, it would be in my hands.

It is not something I wish to think about for many years to come. I enjoy my lover as a human. My existence is sustained on her blood alone. She is warm to my touch, soft, and perfect, just as she is. My attraction to other vampires has never been what it is to humans, so predicting whether I would desire her or whether she would desire me is impossible, but I still cannot help but wonder about what might be. My lover is an impressive telepath as she already is. Death and the power that goes with it could make her so much more.

When Kayden spoke of the limitations upon her gift, I noticed a discomfort from my lover that had me suspicious immediately. It seems that even in life, Kayden was able to occasionally influence the undead. When I asked Sookie whether or not she had ever read the thoughts of a vampire, she became highly agitated, denying that she had.

I wish I could have believed her.

Discussing it in front of Kayden was hardly appropriate, however, not when I was dreading the potentially dangerous truth of the matter myself. Instead we discussed Kayden’s adopted family, something else I was pleased Sookie could hear. She seemed fascinated by the connection the empath had chosen for herself, and I hope with it she opens her own mind to the rather untraditional family around her now. Really, I think she already has.

Sookie and I invited Kayden to a night at our home when she returns from her travels in France and England and when we return home from Sweden. Immediately I could see the cogs in my lover’s mind begin to turn as she began planning the event and who to invite. She really does enjoy doing such a thing.

When returned home, Sookie and I discussed whether or not she had heard vampire minds, and with a great deal of reluctance, she confessed she had been within the confines of my own mind on one occasion, the night I staked Longshadow.

This news was greatly unsettling. I can remember with total recall what I was thinking that night, and none of it would I have had Sookie hear if given any choice in the matter. Then, I had thought about how I could use her and her gift, I had thought about the measures I could take to ensure she did as I asked whether she wanted to or not. I had thought about taking her from @TruBloodBill, and I had thought about the ways in which I desired to make Fangtasia’s thief pay for what they had robbed me of.

I do not like the idea that my lover could know these things. She insists she did not read my thoughts, only get a sense of them, but she seemed to grasp easily enough that they were dark and twisted.

A vampire’s mind is sacred. It is the place most guarded and sacred. It contains our every secret, our every memory. Many of these things, I never want Sookie to know. Had I learned she had been privy to my thoughts before I had found love with her, I imagine I would have ended her. It would have been a shame to destroy something so desirable, but it would have been a necessary measure to ensure the confines of my mind remained mine alone.

I cannot help but fear if another vampire learns that, occasionally, she can glimpse into our heads, that they will be as compelled to end her as I would have been then. I have made her promise to never tell another, living or otherwise, but I fear that will not be enough. I intend on working with her on these shields Kayden spoke of, in order to guard her mind from invading what it should not. I must protect her. She is my everything.

After all, that is why we made this trip to Sweden. Every minute that passes, I grow closer to bonding a third, permanent time to my lover. I am nearly willing the moments to pass more quickly. I have told Sookie that to vampires, the two of us will be considered married, and that I will consider her my wife. She seems pleased by this, though there also seems to be an undertone of sadness I do not understand. I will figure it out, however. I care only about bringing my lover happiness. It is the least I can do when she has given me so much.

Roman, Lacey, @JackDanielsTB, @WestonTackett, @KristenFerrior_, @NolanFerrior_, Jenny, JoAnna, @were_lucian, Lily, Pam, Bianca, @LiamDelancy, @WaylonLee_, and Claude have all joined us here for the snow and celebration. Our bonding ceremony grows nearer by the minute, and I am pleased those gathered with us will be sharing it with Sookie and I. Tomorrow cannot get here soon enough. In a thousand years time, nothing has ever felt more right than this, now, with her.

My First Thanksgiving Dinner

Friday evening, @BarmaidSookie and I hosted what I am told is a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. While I have been well aware of the holiday for many, many years, it is the first time in my long existence I have- in Sookie’s words- hosted such an event myself. My reasoning for ignoring a holiday that seems focused on human food and poultry in buckle hats has been obvious in the past, but once more I find my normal behavior being altered for the gift that is Sookie.

What is important to her is undeniably important to me, and that includes bizarre holidays of thanks.

From the moment Sookie asked if we could host the event together onward, my telepath had been focused upon little else. Between making invitations, getting them out to all our friends, and preparing an endless supply of both human nourishments and blood dishes, my lover exhausted herself in order to be the consummate southern hostess.

I must admit, I was dreading the event when I rose on Friday night. Since the incident at @BarWithABite and the witches, I have been going out of my way to avoid others. My body is still regenerating in some places and I know I am not entirely myself both physically and mentally. I fear others will see this and know, and though I do not like to believe that any I or Sookie consider a “friend” would use this to their advantage, I remained concerned. Being cautious is what has kept my existence in tact for a thousand years, after all.

Sookie seemed to sense my trepidation immediately. She ceased buzzing about her farm house in order to assure me things would be fine, and once more, I found myself relaxing if only because of her nearness and the comfort she brings me. It startles me, but I find myself believing I could come to love this rare and extraordinary human woman.

There was little time for me to think of that, however, when our guests began arriving for the evening. @RomanLucious, his fairy, @FaeKayley, and their adopted son, @Baby_Abel were the first to arrive for the night. It was obvious immediately that they were no more familiar with the holiday than I was, but I appreciated the fact that they were attending if only for my Lover. As Sookie showed them to the absurd amount of food she had concocted for the evening, @LaceyTB, @JackDanielsTB, and @WestonTackett arrived.

It was the first time I have seen Lacey since she had been lost to me and I must admit, it was a relief to see her whole and not merely a figment of my imagination. I do not understand what possibly could have occurred to return her to this realm and to those who care for her, but I am nothing short of relieved that it did. My blood may no longer tie us together, but Lacey will never cease to be precious to me, and seeing both her and her son brings an undeniably comfort with it.

Of course, not everyone seems to feel that way.

I had avoided speaking of Lacey’s miraculous return to this realm to the Deputy after first discovering it for myself if only because I did not know how the news would be received. When Roman first told me of Abel and his relationship with the fairy, a part of me was undeniably concerned he was attempting to replace what had been lost in the car accident that fateful night and that was what was guiding his decisions. After learning more of his son and his fairy, I believed Roman seemed- for him- relatively happy. To disrupt that for what could not be changed would have been a crime.

And ultimately, even a meddlesome vampire such as myself can recognize when something is not my place.

There was no hiding what Roman did not know then, however, and awkward moments were not quick to pass. The Deputy was troubled and angry, I could feel this easily enough, and Lacey was startled and hurt. I was unsurprised that the Deputy departed shortly after the night began. Centuries of existence and experience does not automatically create aplomb.

Little time could be devoted to thinking on such things when more guests were arriving. Sookie seemed perpetually trapped at the doorway of her house as she welcomed guest after guest to her Bon Temps farmhouse. It was the first time I had seen @AbigaleDawson since her wedding to @WereTDawson, who seems to have decided married life is an excuse to gain obnoxious amounts of weight. If I were less educated and knowledgeable on such things, I would have asked if he was with child. It seems fences are suiting them well, and if Abigale is happy, I am happy for her. I really don’t care whether the mutt is happy or not.

Someone who is undeniably with child is @Tara_ThorntonBT. She arrived, unsurprisingly, with her vampire escort, @fangtasiaserge, who I doubt is leaving her side at all in her delicate condition. I wonder if he, like me, finds himself remembering much too clearly a time when human women often didn’t survive the pangs and strains of bringing life into this world. I do not understand the vampires hostility towards me, though I suppose it could have something to do with coming to loathe his Maker and relishing in her second death, but I am also uninterested in finding out if it goes more deeply than that. As far as I am concerned, Tara is important to Sookie and what is important to my lover is important to me. We are, for lack of better words, “on the same team.”

Tara, it seems, is no longer able to endure the strain of tending bar and being on her feet for long periods of time due to her condition and has found employment outside the casino the vampires of Area Five hold a major interest in. She requested approval to vacate her job there, and with a single nod from Sookie, I gave the pregnant human my blessing. I find myself startled at how much I need and rely on her right now, when I am so uncertain myself, but I trust her and her judgment completely, without a second thought.

Tara’s cousin, @JustLafayette arrived with @HornDogJason and @BiancaNorthman. Needless to say, that is a trio none could have anticipated. Lafayette seemed uncomfortable, no doubt because many of the guests hosted that night possessed fangs that could descend at any moment’s notice despite Sookie’s inclusion of “no eating the guests” on the invitation for the event. It is safe to say I believe the fry cook has learned his lesson when it comes to the undead.

Jason, however, is as unintelligent and careless as ever. It is a good thing I trust Bianca with everything that I am and ever will be, or I would be positive he would be dead sooner rather than later. Bianca actually appeared demure and understated at the dinner, but that was by appearance only. I believe my child left the event with more phone numbers than she went in with, and propositioned half of those in attendance. Never let it be said she is shy.

@Sookeh clearly gets the ability to work a crowd from her. She arrived on the arm of @Sam_MerlotteBT, though “on the arm of” is somewhat generous since they both seemed mostly intoxicated. The Shifter was his normal cheery self, encompassing all he came into contact with a cloud of doom and gloom. While I am sure there are many things that should depress the Shifter to such a degree (a disgusting odor he can‘t hide, living in Bon Temps, residing in a mobile tin can, owning a bar for rednecks, etc.), he seems even more hopeless than usual. When even Sookeh seems startled by it, you know something is seriously amiss.

At least my evil daughter seems as evil as ever. Sookie seemed to spend a great deal of time chasing her around and reminding her not to destroy things because they had belonged to her Gran. Ah, Sookeh. So much destruction in such a small package. It is enough to make me unquestionably proud.

@NolanFerrior brought his human @NiftyJenny with him to the event and, at her prompting, informed me the pair is now “dating.” Nolan has always been somewhat unusual between his traveling in my trunk, his preference to dwelling in closets, and his predilection for sleeping on pipes, and it seems he has found his match in the broom wielder. Shortly after arriving, Jenny attempted to impersonate a plastic house plant before informing me the true love of her life is a machine at the @GrabbitKwik that produces a slushie.

I really have no idea what to make of that.

I should have asked @DavidCallum after he arrived with his attractive wife, @AlyxConway and their children, @SammieMasters and @ScarlettElena, but he was quite busy hitting on Bianca. I flashed him since he insists he is no longer dreaming of me after his ingestion of my blood during his brawl with Roman and despite him claiming not to miss them, I can tell he does. He really does.

In turn, Alyx flashed @WaylonLee_ and I. It is almost a shame Waylon makes such a good Pooh Bear, or I would seriously be considering turning my second two-natured child. As it is, I will be content to watch him eat everything in his path (including blood dishes which he seemed incredibly fond of), and using carrots to mimic fangs.

On a related, yet unrelated note, Sookie is not fond of me seeing breasts that do not belong to her. I cannot entirely understand this, since none compare to her own in my opinion, but I will do my best not to trouble her for such reasons.

@VampyJo arrived with @WereBabyLily and even though they were not able to stay for long, I was pleased to see them. Lily is getting so big so quickly, it is almost difficult to believe the little girl I carried around the party for a short time was the same one I spent locked in a room with for a few nights in New Jersey. I wonder if she remembers any of that. Human minds at such an age are a complete enigma to me.

@AngeloSenior arrived at the celebration with his human daughter, @GiannaVerdone. I believe Angelo signed my daughters chest, so when I next see him, I will possibly stake him. @AppiusOcella will be furious, but it would be worth it. Angelo’s own daughter pulled me aside at the party to offer me her thanks for giving her strange father my consent to leave my dwelling. I still fear that is possibly a mistake on my part and that Angelo took advantage of the daze that inevitably settles over a vampire so close to dawn, but I did not tell her such a thing. When we were parting, she hugged me as if we were not virtual strangers, and then propositioned me.

I chose not to tell Sookie this.

The arrival of @VooDooHooDooBT was unexpected, but thoroughly enjoyed by me. He brought with him Chow, who he has been keeping as a dung hut wife. The unintelligible witch doctor decided to show me his strengths, including his ability with a blow dart gun. I volunteered the Lieutenant to be the target, Joseph Drownapossum agreed, but when the dart flew, Lacey’s boyfriend Jack ended up being the one with a dart in his neck.

From that moment forward, I naturally claimed I had nothing to do with it.

Mr. Drownapossum also showed me his ability to call forth a donkey at will, and sure enough, @winnieYTM’s ass showed up in the middle of my lover’s living room. Sookeh had an ass there all her own. It’s a good thing Sookie was falling asleep by this point, or she no doubt would have been troubled by the livestock roaming her family home.

As the dinner wound down and Sookie slumbered at my side, I had the chance to speak to Lacey and David about both Lacey’s untimely end and the witches I encountered at Fangtasia. The description of the red-headed male seemed to ring recognition with her, and she confirmed as Roman had theorized, that he was the one who stole her purse while we were in New York City. David and I share a mutual concern for Lacey now, especially when she must protect her infant son, and have advised her to take shelter away from her home. I have contacted @LiamDelancy and instructed him to use his magic to secure her home and workplace, @HooligansClub, so she may return safely.

The Lieutenant let slip that Lacey’s return to this realm isn’t without change. She has acquired an ability to transport herself and others at a moment’s notice and demonstrated the ability when taking Sookeh back to her home. To say I am relieved is an understatement. Perhaps if the witches find her, she will stand more of a chance in escaping them than I did.

When all the guests left for the night, I cleaned up around my lover’s home and even remembered to put the remaining food away since Sookie is so often concerned about not letting such things go to waste. I carried her to bed and found myself relieved when it was only her and I, alone in her room, waiting for the sun to rise.

But overall, the event was good for me. I have never been so reminded of how important family is than I am now. Our bonds, both in blood and those we create through experience and common ground are invaluable. On the road of healing I find myself on, I believe Sookie’s dinner was significant. I am fortunate to have those who visited my lover’s home in my existence, and would not want to find myself in a world without them any longer.

Bianca's Holiday Shopping List

Out of the Freezer and Into the Frying Pan

When I woke in the walk-in freezer of @BarWithABite, there was not even a moment in which I could question where I was or how I had come to be there. The pain reared it’s ugly head in a potent way, my broken body once more reeling from the torture the witches had successfully inflicted upon me the previous night.

I was starved… as hungry as a newborn upon first rising from the grave. The few bottles of TrueBlood I had downed before dawn had done little for my condition in the frosty prison, but I found myself thanking the gods my death a millennium ago ended the flowing of blood through my body or my wounds would have surely bled me dry. As it was, my open, raw, beaten, and burned flesh waited, adhering and freezing to the shredded clothing I wore, waiting for the sun to hide in order to haunt me with it’s ache once more.

My ancient eyes, so used to seeing more than a human mind could ever fathom were blurry, clouded with the impurity of the silver that had been sprayed so callously at them. It was as if a thick, impenetrable blanket of fog covered the world I found myself in. The darkness of my frozen surroundings was encompassing. I was capable of seeing no more than a few feet in front of me. Immediately, I reached for the case of synthetic blood beside me, downing icy bottle after bottle without objection, as if I needed the liquid shit to survive.

For once, I did.

The additional blood did nothing for me. The throbbing pain my body knew in the moment was unfathomable. I found the simple task of clearing the rubble I myself had laid in front of the door of the freezer to be an exhausting task. The very idea of breaking myself through the frozen box in order to escape it was enough to leave me feeling defeated before I had even made an attempt at it.

Everything was gone. Everything I am had been taken from me, made way with the previous night by two witches who knew no bounds. And for what? Why?

I would not surrender, not now. I had made it through the day, I would not give in to the pain now. I searched myself with all I could, wanting to feel something- anything- besides the pain and hopelessness I knew so clearly now.

And once more, there it was.

I felt her before I heard her, the sound of her footfalls barely reaching my ears through the thick insulation of the freezer in my present state. I had felt her when the sun pulled me into my icy grave of daytime death and here she was now, when the darkness of night had taken over the sky.

@BarmaidSookie.

A million thoughts ran through my mind. Had she been here all this time? I could feel her anxiety, her fear, her frustration. I could feel the echoes of the pain I felt now reflected in her and cursed myself for knowing I was the cause of it. I felt her concern, her worry, and her desperation. She knocked lightly upon the door of the freezer and I did the only thing I could think of. I echoed the knock back, allowing myself a fleeting, panged smile at how ridiculous the action was.

And then she opened the door.

It was as if I was being assaulted once more, an overwhelming wave of things struck me at once, my ancient mind finding it impossible to keep up. The smell of burned, rotting wood was heavy, the sight and smell of stagnant, standing water covered everything. Walls were burned away to expose the very structures of the building that was so familiar to me, glimpses of the outside world visible through the gaping holes everywhere. The very building creaked, making it clear just how instable the structure was at present.

The walls, the rooms, the furnishings of the back of Fangtasia were now nothing more than rubble and fragments. The ceiling hung low and heavy, as if it may collapse at any given moment. The back door was missing from it’s hinges, an empty metal frame the only thing separating the club from the world outside. I could smell the very sweat of the unfamiliar humans who must have extinguished the blaze hanging in the air. Even with my flawed eyes I could see everything was gone. Everything was black.

And then, there was Sookie.

She was the first and only thing I truly saw. She was there, truly there, and such a far cry from the blackness that surrounded her and that held me since the witches first found me in my office the night before.

Her eyes were red and inflamed, signs of tears shed already and full of tears yet unshed, tears that I knew were for me. Her hair was tousled, a sure sign she had ran her fingers through it more times than she could count throughout her frustrating day. Her clothes were the ones that had laid beside my bed when I had left her the previous night to attend to the club. The smell of smoke clung to her, making it clear she had stood there all day, a helpless victim as she watched the world burn around me. Her breathing was quick and frantic, her heart matched it’s panicked rhythm.

I stepped back and away from her, terrified for one of the first and only times in my long existence.

I wish I could explain my fear, but even now as I am left reflecting, I do not know that I can. A part of me was afraid I would drain her without a second thought. Even with the heavy tainting of smoke upon her, my Sookie smells extraordinary, and I was so unfathomably hungry. I wanted to shout to her to get back, to run and run quickly, but was just as afraid that the predator in me would enjoy the short-lived hunt. A part of me was afraid of my own appearance. I knew even in the darkness with her flawed human vision, she could see the agony that was written into my flesh like a story that never should have been told. I loathed the idea of Sookie seeing me in such a deplorable state, gaunt from my blood loss, matted blood frozen to all parts of my body, my skin charred where my clothes had burned away in the flames, my chest marred with the gaping wounds the stakes had created. I knew the image was haunting. I could see it on her face.

Yet still, more than anything, I believe I was afraid of just what she meant to me in that moment.

Here I was, bloody and broken, beaten and bruised, and only she was there. My progeny were absent. My bonds, some more solidified than the one I share with her, were not present. No vampire who owed me fealty came to the aid of their Sheriff.

It was just her, a human, who had let herself feel all my pain and share it with me. It was just her who had answered my call. It was just her who had risked everything by unleashing me from my prison. It was just her who had given me hope in my bleakest of moments. It was just her standing in the charred remnants of my world, beckoning me out, asking to care for me, asking to take me away from it all.

I was terrified of how much I needed her.

What little pride I had that wasn’t left burned on the floor of Fangtasia or drained away from me by the witches asked her for something to hide my condition with. Without second thought, my human shrugged her coat off and draped it around me, concealing me from the world around me.

And it was just what I needed.

I let her lead me from the building that was the center of everything Area Five was, the building that was nearly my final resting place, and to her car. She asked me where I wanted to go and for once, I honestly didn’t know.

I have always been decisive and definite in everything I do, but I was simply uncertain. I was uncertain of everything… of where I went wrong, of what I have done to deserve this, of what I had left, of who I had left, of where I went from here… the list was unending.

I was uncertain of what I had done to deserve her, but in that moment I knew I would not do without her. Wherever she took me, so long as she was with me, I would make do. I needed her more than I needed blood in my drained body. She was my healing.

I offered no word of protest as she drove me home, leaving me to sit in her car as she gathered some of my belongings along with the blood stocked in my refrigerator from within. I slunk low in the passenger seat, avoiding the grizzly sight of my tortured reflection in the tinted glass of her windows. I could not utter a word of protest as she took me out of Shreveport and to Bon Temps.

If it was where she was, it was where I needed to be.

She struggled to carry the cooler packed with blood and the bag of my belongings from her car to her home, but still offered me her arm bathed in goosebumps from having surrendered her coat to me in order to aid in my journey to her door.

I didn’t deserve this creature.

She sat me in her small kitchen in one of the wobbly, mismatched chairs that lines the scratched up table she keeps there. Bag after bag of blood was warmed in the microwave and offered to me, my telepath working on washing the layer of blood and filth that clung to me away from my marred skin as I drank. She cut away the stiff and burned remnants of clothes from my body to free me of the burden of struggling out of them.

I could see the question in her eyes. I could see the torment of not knowing what had caused everything she had felt and everything she now saw so clearly written into my flesh, but she waited for me to tell her the story I already longed to forget.

And as I told her, she cried tears for my pain. She grieved for my loss as if it had been her own.

As my vision became more clear with every mug of blood I drank, I saw just how deeply she had suffered for me. How much I meant to her was written in every expression she wore. She wanted nothing more than to soothe my pain now and erase every indentation upon me the witches had left, both the physical reminders and the ones locked eternally in the confines of my mind.

It nearly upset me to know she would never be able to do that when I wanted nothing more than to give her what she wanted.

When I drank as much blood as I could, she led me to her bathroom and bathed me, having to drain and refill the basin numerous times to rid it of the blood and charred flesh that flaked off of me. I don’t believe she wanted me to notice how much cleaning was necessary to rid me of my previous night’s torture, but I knew. It simply didn’t matter when her presence behind me, rinsing my body and washing my hair was more comfort than I deserved.

She asked me to tell her more of what I have been through recently, the witches aside, and asked me to feed from her by giving me her wrist. I ultimately did not want to when I knew the information would only further upset her and taking her blood would only leave her weaker, but how can I deny this woman anything when she has given me so much? When she alone was my saving grace in my moment of need?

At present, it feels as if she alone is my world. There is nothing I would not give her if asked of me.

I felt infantile asking her if she would stay with me in the confines of her light-secured bedroom once I was finally clean and she led me to her bed. If she thought such a thing of me, she didn’t let me know it, and even seemed relieved I had made such an uncustomary request. And, sure enough, when I was roused from my death at sundown the following evening, she was still in my arms, curled into me in nearly the exact position she had been when the sun had taken me at dawn.

Without commenting on how little of my flesh had improved as of yet, she led me to her kitchen once more and prepared more blood for me while making herself dinner. I felt her intense hunger then and realized my lover must not have eaten at all while I was taken from her. She had sacrificed herself completely for me. As long as I walk this earth, it will never be forgotten.

It felt so natural and right to be with her in that moment, though my own mind traveled back to a time and world in which Sookie didn’t yet exist, when I was nothing more than a mortal man. Even a thousand years later I can recall distantly yet clearly what it was like to return to my home after months spent raiding to my wife and children. My body would be sore and show signs of the battles I had seen, but there was an unspoken comfort in returning to my homeland and my home, to see and be with those I left home in order to provide for, to listen to their stories of what I had missed in my absence and to offer ones of my own.

Sookie, my human, my telepath, my lover, my dear one… feels more like home to me than anything ever has before.

It felt wrong in such a profound moment to think about the witches who had robbed me of my blood, but I did. They had taken a part of me that is sacred, something that defines who and what I am. The female had the audacity to drink it directly from the immortal vessel that is me. It was not theirs to take.

And I wanted Sookie to have it.

I have bonded in blood twice to my telepath already, but a third exchange will seal our tie completely. For as long as we walk the earth, we will feel one another, her existence a constant buzz in the back of my mind and my existence one in her own. Her feelings will be my feelings. My feelings will be her feelings. She will feel me and know me more deeply than she could imagine, and I will feel and know her more deeply as well. I will be giving her an undeniable, irreversible power over me, but could I ever trust another with such a thing more than I can trust her?

She has proven herself to me more than any other ever has. It is appropriate I have not made such a permanent bond to a human before. It should be Sookie who I experience and know such a thing with first.

When I told her as much, she agreed instantaneously and despite the lingering pain I feel, I could only smile genuinely. Still, I have insisted it should not be rushed. I do not want her agreeing to such a thing if she is only doing so because she fears losing me to a second death now, and I do not want her to think for even a moment that I may be extending her this offer without sound presence of mind when nothing could be further of the truth.

We did not have long to discuss or think on these things before the phone calls to my lover began and I found myself disheartened. My own phone was lost in the blaze of the nightclub, but can any really claim to be concerned when I am only sought with a phone call? I know Sookie is not the only one who felt my pain then. In fact, I know it is still being felt now. Is this the loyalty I am shown and worth?

I could not let myself think on those things then, and instead chose to let Sookie do the talking. It is unnatural for me to shy away from conducting my own business, especially business that my lover does not need to concern herself with, but at present, I find the idea of doing such a thing myself completely repulsive. In the brief conversation I had that night with @pamiravenscroft on Sookie’s phone, I left Fangtasia and it’s reconstruction in her hands. I do not want to so much as see the building until both it and my flesh resemble what they had been before the witches interference.

Sookie’s patience with my subordinates seemed to mimic my own and quickly we were foregoing any further work or discussion with others in lieu of time to ourselves. My body was still fragile and weak, but I took my telepath that night, desperate to reclaim a connection I believe both of us needed. It feels more right than ever.

The following night we were visited by @VampNiklas and @TaliaPerrault, both of whom had felt my pain clearly through our bonds. Innocently enough, Niklas inquired as to whether or not I had sought out @AppiusOcella for the healing his blood could supply me with, and my ever observant telepath caught and wondered on it. I had to tell her my Maker and the frequently referenced Appius Livius Ocella are one in the same. She wants to know why I am so reluctant to talk of my Maker and promises she would never put herself in danger because of what I might say, but I do not know how she would take the happenings either. She has insisted she wishes to know and once more, I find myself incapable of denying her what she desires, but I simply do not know how I will share such a thing with her.

At the same time, I feel I must. I know there are many walls of my own making built up around me for my own safety and precaution. I have created them and I have reinforced them for centuries. Sookie has repeatedly told me she wishes to know me, truly know me, but I have never given her more of myself than I believe she is capable of handling.

She has proven she can handle more than I give her credit for. She has handled more than even the vampires around me by sharing my recent pain, then taking me in and caring for me. I will have to find a way to tell her and simply hope she both keeps her promise and that it changes nothing between us, to hear of my weakest moments in a millennium’s time.

I have been visited by more in Bon Temps since Niklas and Talia stopped by. @BiancaNorthman and her human witch, @LiamDelancy visited with Sookie and I tonight at my request. Though I do not like the witch Bianca has bonded to, the human has agreed to work with @VampyJo’s father, another witch, on finding and joining the coven of @BrodyKeyes and @WereHallow. Knowing the two who drained me have access to such sensitive information as my laptop and @LaceyTB’s phone makes time something that is not on our side. Knowing the red-headed male had been in New York when we tracked drainers there and had been able to both sense Sookie's telepathy and successfully block it certainly makes this an uphill battle. We need Liam and Jorge's aid in order to locate and end these witches before they have the chance to do to another what was done to me.

I will need to have Liam and @JorgeJAlvarez use their magic to secure the resting places of numerous Area Five vampires and to protect the dwellings that belong to our sympathizers and humans. I have always frowned upon magic and its uses, but I have the sinking feeling Bianca’s human and JoAnna’s father may be invaluable to us now. I am prepared to pay them handsomely for their work, but given my own experience with the witches they will be trying to both stop and join, I fear for their safety. I do not know if Bianca would forgive me if something happened to her human and I am sure JoAnna is fond of her father.

Just getting through the dinner discussing the witches and countering them was enough to leave me tired of work and it’s demand on my far-from-healed body. The moments I spend alone with Sookie right now are my saving grace, they are the reason I open my eyes at nightfall with more enthusiasm than my regenerating body wishes to allow.

Sookie is home and all else fails to matter so long as I am with her.

She is my escape, and there is no turning back.

My Bonds: Petulant Pam

@PamiRavenscroft

London was no good for me.

It was my first trip to the island nation since Bianca had left me- since I had forced Bianca to leave me- and I went to it seeking some kind of solace. I knew at once it had been a foolish thing for me to do. In the centuries it had been since I had prowled the streets nightly for my dinner and entertainment, the city had changed a great deal. A world that had been familiar to me had evolved. Even the house I had resided quietly in had been demolished and built over. I sought comfort, but only found myself reminded everything was different now.

Everything, that is, except me.

I don’t know that that is something a vampire ever comes to accept. In moments of quiet, it is so easy for one to think back and remember what we have done and where we have come from. Those memories are all that remain, however. The people die, the landscape changes, the world evolves, history moves on, yet we linger.

To say that it’s depressing could be quite the understatement.

I had been fortunate for the few centuries before then to spend little time in the confines of my tortured mind. Existence with Bianca had kept me busy and entertained. As she experienced the world as a young vampire, I felt it all through her eyes. I reserved very little time to dwell on my past and only let myself look forward to a future that would never end.

Until the end. The despair I had felt when reminding myself that my child would come to leave me was encompassing. I had forced her away with my self-induced misery, but it was necessary and right. Unfortunately, it left me with a mind clouded by and consumed with gloom. I had always been independent, but now I felt more alone than ever. Women were more than willing to forego their chastity for a night with me, but none of them were special, least of all to me, and when I sent them on their ways, I always felt more alone than I had even before their arrival.

I wanted to leave London. I wanted to leave and to never return to the damned city with its memories I no longer wanted. It panged me to be there.

Yet, for the death of me, I couldn’t bring myself to depart.

I couldn’t figure out why I stayed. It was as if I was determined to punish myself, a masochistic nature developing because I wanted or needed to be miserable. I was well aware of what I was doing, and I hated it. I felt as if I was not much more than a shadow of the vampire I once was. It was inexcusable. It had to change. I wanted nothing more than to change it.

But I just couldn’t leave London.

Looking back, I wonder if it was the fates that kept me there, because truly, I was rewarded for my suffering. I can recall the night in question with complete clarity now, over a century later, as if it was only last night.

Hunting had grown easier in the time I had been away. London was more populous than ever and there was no shortage of humans to be found after darkness fell. While the other vampires I crossed paths with in London had been happy to feast upon and end the limitless vagrants, whores, and street urchins who were so easy to find in the darkened alleys of the city, I had a taste for finer things.

Parks had become my chosen haunts. Once night fell, the severely understaffed London law enforcement had their hands full with the human creatures of the underworld to properly keep an eye on such “safe” locations. Of course, I had to avoid killing my prey to keep things that way, and with my mood at the time, it was difficult, but the rewards of keeping my resolve always paid off. The humans I could find strolling the well groomed lawns were always cleaner and more appealing than other available options. I could manage restraining myself for that luxury.

The sun had been set for a relatively short time when I headed out to find my dinner for the night. My meal was unremarkable and dull. Dessert was something else entirely.

I had been on my way back to the place I spent my daytime hours when I happened upon a curious sight. A young woman, dressed in her finest, was attempting to crawl down the side of a stately home from an open window… poorly. She was uncoordinated and overall a foolish sight, but the girl was oblivious to her own ridiculousness. She perpetually wore a devilish smile as she descended her home, a light trickle of nearly silent laughter leaving her rosy lips at regular intervals. She was being rebellious and doing something she ought not have, that much was clear.

I couldn’t help but be curious.

And so, I chose to follow her.

Once she reached the ground beneath her, she took off in what must have been a run for her, heading to destinations unknown. I followed her easily, keeping a safe distance behind her and in the shadows at all times. She ran only a short time before I saw what she was headed for.

A young man, only a few years her senior, stood alone beneath a tree, his eyes searching the darkness for the signs of someone. I saw him long before the woman did, but I knew the moment her poor, human eyes fell on him. The sharp, exhilarated intake of breath she took was not missed by my ancient ears.

When she reached him, they embraced. She clung to him and he held her close. They exchanged quick, boring kisses while I studied the pair unblinkingly. Their whispered words were heard clearly by my ears. They were young, they were in love, but it was not to be.

The woman- her name was Pamela- did more talking than the male. It was through her words I learned the basic nature of their situation. Her parents didn’t deem the man acceptable for her, but she wanted no other. She loved him, she was so certain of it. She would give up anything for him. He was worth sneaking out of her family home to meet since they were able to see one another so seldom. He would be leaving the home he was staying at soon, and she feared they would not see one another again.

This human woman intrigued me. She was young and beautiful. In the moonlight, her blonde hair shined and her face was flush with excitement and intensity. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears as she spoke of their inevitable departure. She was so vulnerable and fragile and so passionately in love.

I couldn’t truly tell if the man returned her affections as deeply. I had spent centuries studying human behavior, reading the smallest of gestures and hearing the unspoken words to keep myself safe and knowing more than my prey could ever dream. The woman’s love for this man was obvious, but he was restrained, almost distant. I doubt she noticed, too blinded by her own emotions, but I did.

What a stupid human. Any man would be fortunate to have a woman so loyal and so willing to love him completely.

And as soon as the thought entered my head, I thought of myself and the child who had just left me. Had I been foolish in pushing her away? No, I couldn’t think like that. She hadn’t loved me and I am not capable of love. Bianca was so like me in every way, I found it impossible to believe she was anymore capable of such affection than I was.

But this creature in front of me could love, and did.

The voyeur in me was disappointed when the pair parted ways after only a dozen kisses and embraces, but my disappointment was short-lived. The woman began her trail back to the dwelling she had left, the man going in the opposite direction to a home up the road, not even bothering to escort his “love” to make sure she made it home safely.

And she wouldn’t make it home safely. I’d be seeing to that personally.

She was heading towards me languidly, not running home in the way she had left it and instead strolling along blissfully unaware of the monster who lurked nearby. It allowed me time to think and consider what I would do.

Already I had fed for the night. Spoiling this woman’s porcelain skin for nothing more than a taste would be such a waste. I wanted to fuck her, to see if she would look at me the way she had looked at her suitor, but her home was simply too close. If it was noticed she was missing, she would be searched for. I couldn’t risk being discovered screwing her amid her home’s garden flowers.

I was running out of options, and more than that, I was running out of time with every lazy step she took back towards her house.

I hadn’t thought about making another vampire again, really. Bianca and I hadn’t been parted for nearly as long as it felt we had to me. I had no real desire to go through the ordeal of training and preparing another child for an eternal existence.

But I weighed my options all the same.

A distraction would be good. Newborns were such a handful, I would have little time to let my mind wander to the darker places they had been frequenting so often. I was lonely. I hated admitting such a thing to myself, but I was. Having someone who needed me in order to survive would be invaluable. I would have someone to talk to, someone to talk to me, someone to hunt with, someone to teach. Companionship at such a time was more than a little appealing.

And what did she have to lose? She didn’t enjoy life with her family, that much was obvious. If she truly did, she wouldn’t have disobeyed them nor snuck away from them of her own freewill. The man she loved would be leaving. She would be doomed to an unhappy future, one that would involve marrying a suitor she didn’t care for, and having a life wished upon her instead of one she chose. I wouldn’t let her choose whether or not to die, but I would give her freedom in time to do whatever she pleased. I am not an overbearing Maker. She would choose her fate.

And so I stepped in front of her, blocking the path she took.

She froze mid-step, her eyes slowly lifting to meet my own with only the moonlight for her to see them in. She was stunned, almost amusedly so, even before I glamored her easily into an agreeable and necessary silence. The only time she spoke was when I told her to invite me into her home that stood so nearby, and then they were whispered words spoken as if from a distance. My arms wrapped around her warm frame, supporting her as her neck lolled to the side on my whispered command.

With no further hesitation or thought, my fangs pierced her tender flesh, and I drank.

Only the racing of her heartbeat gave away her fear as I fed. She remained silent and obedient… and it was probably the last time Pam was ever silent and obedient. Looking back, I probably should have enjoyed it more for those few, very brief moments it lasted.

I fed quickly. I didn’t take the time to enjoy the warm elixir that was her blood as it ran down my throat. I didn’t want to prolong any suffering as she met her human end. The strength of her heartbeat weakened as her body was drained of its essence, and when I could tell it would give out at any moment, I lifted her, flying up to the window I had witnessed her crawl through earlier in the night.

I laid her spent body in the bed I found there. Her eyes were closed, but I could hear the weak resolve of her heart as it attempted to carry on despite my assault. I knelt by her bed before my fangs sank into my wrist, and easily, I fed it to her mouth. She swallowed weakly, choking on the foreign substance being forced upon her, but as I felt my blood begin to work it’s way through her system, I knew it had done it’s job.

The wound my fangs had created upon her neck sealed over and I listened in the stillness of the room for her heartbeat to fade entirely. It was only a minute before her body was limp and lifeless on the bed. I hastily cleaned the blood from her mouth and neck, erasing the evidence of our exchange and found myself relieved I hadn’t made a mess of her clothes when feeding. She looked pristine despite being dead. That was perfect.

As quickly as I had entered it, I left through the window, leaving it as open as she had. I knew little of human medicine, nor diseases they suffered from, but could recall from my own mortal life that it did not take much for infection to take someone, and quickly at that. I knew she would be discovered by her family shortly after the sun rose and laid to rest quickly.

I was simply left to wait.

I spent the three nights of her limbo preparing. I kept an eye on the house of her family and was able to find her grave shortly after it was dug. I gathered and packed my belongings, preparing to leave when my newborn rose. I would be leaving London now. There would be no way around it.

And I was relieved.

On the third night, I didn’t bother feeding when the sun slipped below the horizon and instead headed to the fresh plot I knew she was resting in. I dug into the recently churned earth swiftly, making short work of what had no doubt taken humans hours to accomplish. By the time I reached the box she was kept in, I knew she hadn’t risen yet, but it was only a moment more before her eyes opened and looked at me, her confusion and shock obvious and appropriate.

I held her. I had held her only briefly the night I took her, but it was different now. Her body was colder, her movements more quiet. She never fought my grasp of her and she listened to my explanation without interruption. We couldn’t linger though, and quickly, I replaced the earth in her now empty grave as she adjusted to the world through unclouded eyes.

The quiet, curious, reserved child somehow vanished by the time I was through filling the earth once more.

Pam was nearly unbridled. I had been a Maker only a few times before, but never had I created such a feral thing. She took to hunting immediately, making a mess of herself, the humans she quickly ended, and often of me as well. She always mourned her clothes once they were too stained in blood to save, but refused to cease playing with her food in order to spare them.

I introduced Pam to sex. It hadn’t been my intention on engaging in a sexual relationship with one of my children so soon after such a thing had ended, but it happened all the same. Pam was adventurous and newborns are so free, curious, and spirited, I found myself repeatedly falling into bed with her. Her tastes varied on a nightly basis, and more often than not I was simply left watching in amusement.

We left London, naturally, though we stayed in England for some time. I told myself it was for Pam’s benefit, to keep her in a place that was at least familiar, but perhaps I was unwilling to entirely close the door. For ten years, we wandered through the north before finally returning to the city Pam had resided in and the city that haunted me.

Our time back was brief. The New World was calling to me just as it was so many then. People were making the passage across the Atlantic on a more regular basis and the appeal of land I had never before explored was too tempting to resist. I was finally ready to close all previous chapters and move forward, starting afresh, starting new in a place without memories to burden me of things past. Pam and I found passage on a ship and fed sparingly throughout the journey, and before long, we were in America.

We chose not to stay together, however. It wasn’t that I believed Pam was eager to leave me, nor that I thought she wouldn’t have stayed with me if I asked it of her. We got along brilliantly, despite the fact that I was, in her words, bossy, and she was, in my words, a spoiled and lazy pain in the ass. Still, she was nothing if not loyal, and I trusted her as I’ve trusted few in my long existence.

The New World and it’s mysteries was for each of us to experience for ourselves, however. We kept in touch often, crossing the land that laid between us easily, though many humans perished making similar journeys themselves. We functioned with a natural ease.

Our relationship ceased to be one of Maker and child. Despite distance, Pam had become my closest friend. She was crude, sarcastic, annoying, demanding, and judgmental, but I can’t imagine my existence without her. As methods of communication evolved with superior technology, we were capable of keeping in touch more easily, and we spoke often, though we were living vastly different lives.

I had settled into politics with ease and Pam couldn’t comprehend why I had bothered. Though she was determined I could be a King, she had no motivation for such time consuming things herself. She was one of few vampires inhabiting the northern Midwest whereas I preferred staying in the South. When we first began discussing the idea of the Great Revelation, I contacted Pam for her input and thoughts.

So, it was completely natural that once we “left the coffins,” Pam was the first vampire I contacted. The idea to open a nightclub had been one I had mulled over since before we made our announcement to the world at large, when it was finally a possibility, there was no other I could see making the venture with me.

And Pam didn’t have to be asked twice.

I never ordered her back. The idea didn’t even cross my mind. Pam and I simply function too well together to deny. Fangtasia is as much her baby as it is mine. As much as she complains about the work, the humans, the Kingdom of Louisiana, and the attire the club requires of her, I know she wouldn’t choose existing without it anymore.

Pam makes decisions I can’t and don’t always approve of. She errors as much now as she did when she was first made. She complains perpetually. She often acts without ever thinking of a reaction. She is a smart ass.

But I trust her wholly and completely, and I would not have made it through the last century without her.

Fairies, Fears, Diapers, and Death

@RomanLucious is a father.

Last night, the Deputy informed me that for the last month, he has been playing house with @FaeKayley after having kidnapped the infant child of a drug addicted prostitute. He killed the woman, destroyed her home, and took her son as his own. He has named the teacup Abel for reasons I never got around to asking.

Just that information was enough to leave my mind reeling for the remainder of the night.

I have always had confidence in the Deputy, he wouldn’t be my second-in-command if I did not, but I cannot help but wonder what possessed him to do such a thing. I asked, I could not help but ask, and I think Roman knew he owed an answer. What he has done is unthinkable. Our existence may not be the secret it once was, but that does not mean we do not have to practice caution. We are not humans. We stop being such a thing the moment our heartbeat ends. Roman gave himself over to our nature many centuries ago. The beings we are now are not what a child needs in this world.

The things this innocent and vulnerable human child will be exposed to are unthinkable. While they are second nature to us, no infant should know the death and destruction we revel in. No amount of concealment will keep this baby from seeing, hearing, and knowing more of this world than a child should ever have to.

Roman wanted to be a father though.

This, I can only understand. His confession, coupled with the pictures of the infant he displayed on his cell phone have left me regretfully reminiscent of my own mortal existence and the children I was forced to leave behind when @AppiusOcella took my heartbeat and with it, my humanity. How many times I ached to be with them, to watch them grow, to guide them as they became adults. How many hours I wondered of their well being, if they lived or died, if they thrived or found themselves lost after the loss of both their parents. I knew my own parents would protect and raise them to be great, but there was no comfort in leaving them as I did. There was no comfort in leaving them in a world of monsters.

But I had no choice. After all, I had become a monster myself.

I reminded myself repeatedly it was for the best I was forced to leave. Not only would I have endangered myself by returning to what I had known when alive, but I would be a threat to them without wanting to be such a thing. Those chapters had to be closed. My curiosity could not get the best of me. It was the only way they had a chance.

And what kind of a father could I have been? The vampire I am today is who I am meant to be. This nature is mine, and it is right. While I hope my sons became the warrior and fighter I was, I hope they never knew the savagery I prize myself on today existed.

That is what awaits @Baby_Abel. These are the things he will learn and know. There is no amount of glamor that will keep it from him. There is no amount of concealment that will let him keep the innocence of a child, an innocence a child deserves for the short time they are able to have it in this world.

The Deputy has already given the boy his blood. He intends to bond to him. I do not know what to think of this.

@BiancaNorthman and I inquired as to whether or not he fully understood the ramifications of his actions. I cannot imagine a pain greater than raising and caring for a human, a human who will age, know sickness, and eventually, death, all while we remain unchanged. Roman insists he will give the boy the choice eventually to join him in immortal death, but is that enough?

I have recently felt the unthinkable pain of losing a bond to death, of losing a human I intended on making my child. All it took was a moment… a mere second on her own and her life was over, and in her wake, I felt the pain. It is a blinding ache, an emptiness left behind one can never refill. A part of me, a part of everything I am and have done in my thousand years on this plane, was lost with the severance of the bond. I will never get that back.

While my Deputy felt such a pain as well, it was an ache for what might have been. It was an ache for what he has never known, in this existence or in his humanity, and I fear that is his reason for growing so close to this child so quickly. I fear his rash decisions that could have severe repercussions have never truly crossed his mind, and if they have, he has not given in to the urge to consider them.

He wants so badly to be a father. Can I fault him for this?

As much as I would like to, I cannot. While I was expected to father children when alive in order to add to our often dwindling numbers, it became much more than a requirement. There is a completion in being a father, just as there is a fulfillment in being a Maker. I try to picture my existence without the children I fathered in life and it is as impossible as picturing my eternity without @VampNiklas, without Bianca, without @pamiravenscroft, without @AnnaPPhillips, without @NolanFerrior, even without @VaughnBrennan.

Completely impossible.

Their accomplishments are my own. I have pride in everything they do, in everything they have become. Their errors pang me because they are my own failures. Their choices are testament to my role as a Maker, both good and bad. They are extensions of myself, extensions I cannot imagine never having had.

The mere thought of my existence without them is painful, lonely, and more dreary than words could ever express.

When I look past the clear, obvious, and severely detrimental ramifications of Roman’s actions, I can only say I understand. While I fear he does not truly understand how badly this can end, and while I fear if it does end badly, it will be the end of him, I can only support his decision with only a few reservations I will allow to linger. I have offered him all the protection of Area Five I can give, but is that enough?

He is but a baby. A human child. A breakable, vulnerable being incapable of protecting himself. And we are vampires, who know no depth we will not sink to, no pawn that is untouchable, no life we would not hesitate to end if it benefited us. Roman is a target just as I am. A target of other vampires, a target of other Supernaturals, a target for organizations of hate such as the Fellowship of the Sun. He will be for as long as he walks this earth.

So no, it is not nearly enough. I simply hope Roman knows this. I hope his fairy knows this.

More than that, I hope they truly understand it.

After all, I do. I have wondered if I should tell him of Niklas and of the selfish reasons that led me to turn him seven hundred years ago, reasons I have kept so silent for all these years. I do not know if it would help him, or if it would give him hope that may not be beneficial now. If he focuses on the tomorrow, will he ever be prepared for what he will face today?

Children seem to be finding more of a place with the undead. Roman is not the first vampire I have seen undertaking the role of a parent to a mortal being. Perhaps it is not so radical. Perhaps “leaving the coffin” has offered us luxuries we couldn’t afford when hidden.

I will admit, it has me wondering, and, as always, thinking.

I cannot help but be reminded of @AbigaleDawson and her fences, her desires to wed, settle down, and have children. It was something I could not offer her, despite my desire of her. It was simply not possible. I was not surprised when she found @WereTDawson who could.

But what of @BarmaidSookie? While I have always attempted to keep my humans at a distance, reminding myself I would tire of their entertainments long before such issues truly needed broaching, I find myself growing attached to her. We have not discussed the future in any great depths. It is a depressing, daunting prospect when we both are aware I will remain as I am eternally and she changes by the day. Still, the idea of her finding one who can and will give her the things I have always thought myself incapable of is painful.

Could I fault her for wanting the very things humans are expected to want? Things, it seems, even vampires desire whether we mean to or not? Could I fault her for finding someone who would give them to her if she wanted them with me, but I refused? Sookie has rejected me so many infuriating times, but never because of what I am, never because of my limitations. Could I, in turn, reject her because my limitations are not what I have always believed them to be?

Damn Roman for making me think this much about something I never thought I would need to think on again.

I hope he vomits on his fairy blood.

My Bonds: Because of Bianca

@BiancaNorthman

The crowd that had gathered was cultured but mundane, just as they always tended to be. A din of mindless chatter echoed through the hall as the humans used small talk as a transparent guise for showing off to one another. They were pathetic and obvious, trite and banal, boring and cliché. No matter how far I traveled, no matter what personality I took on in order to disguise my true nature, I was growing tired of the living. Having left Appius Livius Ocella centuries earlier and having had all my children thus far strike out on their own or meet a second death, I had been alone for some time. I could barely recall companionship.

As I listened to their superficial discussions and ridiculous gloating from an otherwise unoccupied corner of the room, I reminded myself that wasn't such an awful thing.

Of course, if I could admit it to myself, I was lonely. Once I had grown to accept my existence as a vampire, the idea of eternity was nothing short of appealing. Forever wasn't a moment too long. There was nothing I could not do, nothing I could not see. The world was mine to experience at my leisure. I had criss-crossed Asia, I had explored the Middle East. I had ventured to Africa and had seen things and creatures my wildest imagination could not have thought up on their own. I had left no stone unturned in Europe, experiencing the culture of countries I had never even reached in my raiding days.

And oh, how I had experienced the women each civilization had offered in such great quantity...

So how had I found myself in a stuffy hall on an island, unaccompanied and uninterested? Even my own mind struggled to understand it. In the back of my mind, I knew, but the truth left me feeling uncertain and confused. An existence spent in the darkness, constantly moving, forming no ties, and leaving no piece of myself behind was trying. No one I crossed paths with could recall my name, nor any events we perhaps had shared. It was the way things had to be. I was nothing more than a ghost, a pale figure who was out of place everywhere and with everyone.

While they could not recall me, I could not forget a single one of them. The absence each had left- the absence I had created myself out of necessity- was encompassing. I needed something solid, a foundation of sorts if only for my own sanity. It was ridiculous and I knew such. Even when I had been alive, I had traveled the world, my roots always at a distance so I could provide for my family and do what was expected of me. Yet here, after six hundred years, I desired some form of grounding. It was risky and I knew that, but it was what I had convinced myself I needed.

And so I had gone to England. Cities were still a relatively new thing. London was populous and flourishing, even after the sun set daily. My English at the time left much to be desired, but I could communicate well enough to hold conversation and provide myself with what I needed. I had been fortunate to find an elderly woman alone in the world shortly after my arrival to the city. It had been easy enough to end her suffering and take her place in society for myself, telling all curious parties I was the last of her relatives, a distant nephew who had traveled to England in order to attend to his beloved aunt's holdings after her unfortunate passing.

Humans are the real suckers.

It had been easy enough to secure one of the rooms in the house from light for my uses. The nosy neighbors quickly pretended I didn't exist outwardly because of my "scandalous" behavior. I was a "young" man, uninterested in courting any of the young women recommended to me, rejecting invitations for lunches and afternoon tea, coming and going all hours of the night... I was quite the topic of gossip when I wasn't being tossed judgmental expressions of complete disapproval.

If only they knew what I was up to all hours of the night...

I can recall those very thoughts going through my mind the moment she entered the room. The din that had encompassed the hall quieted for a moment as every set of eyes turned to the door, taking in the beauty that had passed through the threshold unaccompanied. My eyes were on her too, raking over every delicious curve of her body, only further accentuated in the corseted dress she wore that presented her to my lusty gaze like a buffet to a starving man. I had to will my fangs to keep from descending at the very sight of her. If I had been any younger, I doubt I would have succeeded.

Her name played through my ears, spoken by a shrill girl in a gaudy dress a color that made her look sickly. Clara. I repeated it silently in my mind while forcing myself to listen from across the room to their private words. The shrill girl was attempting to draw even more attention to this radiant specimen of humanity, belittling her for being without an escort to the evening's play. Clara laughed the words off, though a slight flush rose in her cheeks. Without hesitation, I was across the hall, thankful that for once, no one was looking at me to catch the unnatural speed I traveled with. Before the inane girl could even finish her next sentence, I was at Clara's elbow, offering her my arm and apologizing for my inexcusable tardiness.

There was a long moment's pause as Clara first looked to me, her face fluttering from annoyance to surprise to intrigue. I could feel the smirk tugging at my lips as yet another blush passed over her perfect features and she took my arm, playing along with my farce as if it were the truth the onlookers took it to be. I chanced a brief glance at the shrill girl as we passed her and could see the lust and jealousy in her eyes as she looked between Clara and I, and only found myself further amused.

I could tell the same was true for Clara.

As we settled into our seats for the performance- The Taming of the Shrew- my eyes refused to leave Clara. It was as if I was compelled to stare. I studied her face, memorizing her features. I studied her neck, my mouth nearly watering as I imagined sinking my fangs through the tender soft flesh of it. I studied the deep cut of her dress, shamelessly soaking up the ample cleavage on display without regard for how inappropriate such a thing was, especially at that time.

She noticed, but didn't stop me. Instead she only enticed me further with that blush of hers, an act that seemed to beg me to make her mine.

And that was certainly plan.

She was talkative. Despite the fact that I was a complete stranger to me, she spoke at once, explaining her history with the shrill girl, as well as other young women both present and absent that night. Confidence radiated off of her as she spoke of their jealousy and she could only be described as proud as she spoke of rejecting her suitors. She spoke of her own impeccable beauty, her education, her rebellious nature, and even returned my flirtatious, inappropriate words with ones of her own. Clara York was no normal human. I had never come across one quite like her before. She reminded me faintly of someone I knew extremely well.

She reminded me of myself.

While I was more than accustomed to casting a spell on humans, I was unfamiliar with the opposite being true. I paid no attention to the performance being acted out only a short distance away, I could only focus on the woman beside me. As the audience hushed to watch the actors recite their lines, I listened to her heartbeat in the quiet. It soothed me, it thrilled me. It mesmerized me, it tortured me.

I contemplated ending that beautiful sound.

As the audience erupted in applause, I lost it's rhythm, but I had not lost Clara's attentions. I knew the invitation was inappropriate, but I couldn't resist inviting her back to my dwelling. My intentions were clear, but instead of rejecting them as I had expected, she accepted with a telling smile on her lips. I was both surprised and further intrigued. It took a great deal of willpower to walk her to my home without stopping in the middle of the street in order to simply have her immediately. From the beating of her heart and the telling blush in her cheek as we practically ran up the steps to my door, she was as anxious as I was.

And nearly as soon as we were through the door and had it closed behind us, we were on one another. She was unquestionably a touch tentative and frightened, completely unfamiliar with everything she desired to surrender to me, but willing to learn. We tumbled into my bed and though she was a novice, she was a quick study. We worked together, we worked against one another, we refused to quit. We moaned, we cried out, we bled...

And as she rested, her breath short and labored, her warm body curled against my own refusing to release her fragile hold on me, I realized I had been thinking of "we" for most of our night together.

We. I am selfish and I am proud. Even then it was completely true. Thinking of another in such a way was nearly equating them to me. I could barely believe my own thoughts. I laid on my side, studying her, wondering if she would ever accept the thoughts that played through my mind. I watched the steady rise and fall of her chest, her eyelids fluttering as she fought exhaustion from ending our night together. Without a word spoken aloud, I was on her once more, but this time would be different. I did not fight my nature this time, not at all. My fangs sank through her skin and I drank. I drank as if I were a starved newborn who had never fed before. I drank quickly and greedily, without restraint. Her body weakened beneath me and her heartbeat quieted to dangerous levels.

Before I could even consider the ramifications of my actions, I was tearing into my own wrist and clamping it to her lips, forcing my blood into her mouth. She drank weakly, in a dazed confusion and stupor and I fed her until her body went limp and her heartbeat, the heartbeat that had enchanted me throughout the night, silenced eternally.

I laid beside her lifeless form as I healed, thinking over what I had just done. I had gone to London to ground myself, only to make another, something that would gain attention with impossible speed. Clara would be unpredictable upon rising and difficult to control. She had family nearby in the country, she had spoken of them during the play, and many had recognized her at the hall. Had I made an error? I didn't even truly consider such a thing. Clara felt right, she felt good.

And just like that, I wondered when I had begun feeling anything at all again.

I cleaned the blood from her face and body before covering her with the blankets of my bed. Dawn was quickly approaching, but I dressed and left my dwelling, traveling by only recalling vague descriptions and directions Clara had given earlier. I found the country home belonging to her grandparents and was unsurprised to find the aging couple awake, concern for their only granddaughter displacing any exhaustion they may have otherwise felt. I hadn't decided what I would say before I reached them. Truth be told, I intended on glamoring them until thoughts of Clara were nothing but a jumbled mess in their minds, but as they looked at me with both fear and hope unanticipated words came pouring from my mouth.

I told them I had met and fell in love completely with their granddaughter that very night, and she had fell in love with me. From the hall, we had run away and married, unwilling to let anyone stand in the way of our love. Clara was worried they would disapprove of her actions and couldn't bare to disappoint them as she was sure she had, but wanted them to know she was safe, and I wanted them to know she was safe, and that I would take care of her and care for her always.

I didn't know what love was. I could no longer recall the way it felt, or even be certain I had ever felt such a thing when alive, but the words flowed naturally from me, and as I looked at the aging couple, they appeared something equally unfamiliar to me.

They looked happy.

Not for the loss of their granddaughter. It was obvious to me they cared for her deeply, but they seemed relieved Clara had found someone to love and be loved by. In my head, I knew such was not the truth. She had foolishly submitted herself to a night of unbridled passion with a being of myth that had killed her and taken her away from everything she had ever known. She had been entranced by everything I was and am and had fallen into my trap just as a fly finds itself the prey of the spider. There is no spider as deadly as I am, however, and I had made her just as dangerous as me.

With their well wishes and blessings, along with some belongings of my new "wife," I made my way back to London and to my home as dawn approached. Three days and nights I stayed beside Clara, not leaving to even feed. I sat beside her throughout the night and lay with her during the day. The night she rose, I held her in my arms, attempting to soothe and quiet her mixture of confusion and concern. She adjusted and accepted quickly and really, it was only a matter of moments before I was pinned beneath her, the newborn picking up exactly where we had left off three nights earlier.

And that is only the beginning of our tale.

We moved on quickly. Clara was young and eager to explore her new existence, sometimes at the expense of those she had known and loathed when alive. Relocation to maintain our secret became necessary, and we posed quite naturally as a young married couple, which required her taking on my last name. Unpredictable as always, Clara decided to discard her first name as well to disassociate herself with the human she had been and instead adopted the name of a character in the play we had seen the night she died... Bianca.

Bianca Northman. There was something that seemed impossibly right about that alias.

I taught her everything I knew. We stayed in England for some time while I taught her all she would need to survive and more. I taught her languages I had learned throughout my travels, and when she mastered them, we took off to where they were spoken. Things that were old to me were new with someone at my side to share them with. Night after night we explored the world. She hunted at my side, she fought at my side. We shared lovers, we shared blood. Nights turned into years, years turned into decades, decades turned into centuries.

She met my Maker, she met my children who still existed. She met my children's children and reveled in their histories. She seemed content at my side, as if the fit was natural and meant to be.

And I grew tormented as I anticipated the night it would all end.

Bianca had stayed with me longer than I could have ever imagined the night I turned her. It was not that I wished her away, far from that. If I had, I would have ordered her from my side long before. No, I simply knew it would not last. No child is meant to stay with their Maker for so long. In fact, it is natural for a vampire to grow to loathe the one who brought them into this existence and has such limitless control over them. I had never bonded to another as deeply as I had Bianca. The very idea of feeling the loss I would feel once she struck out on her own was blindingly unsettling.

She seemed as happy as a vampire can ever claim to be. And I was entirely miserable by my own doing.

For a vampire who regrets so very little as I do, I regret the agony Bianca felt in those final years with me. I was restless and nervous. I know when she looked at me, she could only see pain... and I... I couldn't even speak to explain it.

And so, after nearly three hundred years of only a rare night spent apart, she left me.

I waited for her return foolishly for some time. In a way, I am relieved Bianca did not return to me then when I was so lost. She needed to exist on her own, free of me, free of my hold on her, and I needed such a thing for her. She deserved it. The world was hers to seize without the thought of another plaguing her mind, just as it had been mine to seize centuries earlier.

But for me, the loneliness was once more encompassing and more powerful than it had ever been before. A bond like ours... there is no hiding from. I felt her nightly and struggled with her successful existence apart from me. I had to close all connection to her as best I could to give her the freedom she had earned, but though she may have felt nothing from me, I could not shake thoughts of her. I returned to London once more, finding a small amount of solace in the familiar location, even though it was a very different place then. I had not been there for long when I found a human out after dark, attempting to sneak home without her absence being noted. She was easy to overpower and take, and three nights later, I had the ultimate distraction in Pam Ravenscroft.

With a newborn to teach and tame, my mind traveled to Bianca less. She was always there, inescapably so, but it grew easier every passing night. I took Pam to the New World and the unfathomable distance made my connection to Bianca even more difficult to focus on, much to my own relief. By the time Pam struck out on her own, I was the vampire I had been before Bianca had entered my undead existence.

At least, that is what I have always told myself.

I focused on new things. As one of the oldest vampires to have made the journey to the Americas, getting involved in politics was a natural thing for me. I was strong, intelligent, and had proven myself in battle many times over. I had already climbed the ladder of the vampire hierarchy significantly when I felt Bianca in the New World as well. Though I felt her near more than a few times and was certainly tempted, I resisted ever calling her to me. I made more vampire, I focused on making connections to and establishing relationships with other vampires of power. I moved frequently like all of my kind to avoid human suspicions.

I had settled in Louisiana a while before we "left our coffins" to the world at large. After we acknowledged our existence, I had little time to think of Bianca. Between building Fangtasia into a successful business and tending to Area Five matters, I had little time to myself, let alone to get lost in memories no doubt best forgotten. I called Pam back to me for aid, but I knew it was not enough. Responsibilities and obligations began outweighing all else in my existence. Stress was an overpowering, nightly thing. While I was certain my bonds felt such a thing, I never truly expected Bianca to return to me.

I never expected her to want to return to me.

I felt her nearness before she ever arrived, but when she walked through the doors of Fangtasia and looked straight to me, I still found myself unprepared and surprised. Nearly a century and a half later and it was as if no time had passed at all. Once more at my side, once more filling a void I care not to even acknowledge.

And I know she shouldn't be there and shouldn't want to be there and I know I shouldn't want her there. And I know I shouldn't feel what I feel, and I know it's dangerous and will be used against me. And I loathe her at my side, endangering herself needlessly and senselessly because of me, because of what I expose her to every night.

But having her anywhere else kills me.