Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A Whirlwind Week

Thursday night, @BarmaidSookie left her farm house in order to attend what she called a "munch needed" meeting with @Sam_MerlotteBT. The notion of her going to speak to the Shifter worried me a great deal, especially since the last few encounters with the glorified canine have left much to be desired. Not only has he made it a common practice to insult my lover simply because she is with me, but Sookie confessed that he had taken to offering similar derogatory comments to @Tara_ThorntonBT since she has so often been accompanied by and watched over by @fangtasiaserge. I don't care much for Serge myself, yet anyone with eyes can see he is no danger to Sookie's friend and that his actions are purely out of concern for her.

The Shifter's hatred of all things vampire seems to have reached a new and concerning level as of late. While I know no vampire would react to his amusing and ignorant rantings, I have worried for the humans around him, and that includes my Sookie. Though she offered me the opportunity to go with her on the venture, I could not allow myself to do so, even though it was more than tempting. My presence would have only fueled the Shifter's fire.

Instead, I was left in Sookie's farmhouse quite unsure of what to do with myself. It is amazing how quickly I have become completely accustomed to her presence at my side. Without her, I found myself at a loss and feeling her absence immediately. She was there for me when no other was, and that has imprinted upon me in an irreversible way. It is almost fortunate for me that @pamiravenscroft phoned Sookie's home shortly after my telepath's departure and provided me with a much needed distraction.

She had arrived at @BarWithABite that evening planning to further organize the necessary renovations for the club after the witch's fire only to find a part of the roof had collapsed, and not by natural means. At the scene of the crime, she discovered @AshleyDanielss along with another, unfamiliar girl, @Witch_Madison. With the help of @MelissaHiggens, who was there to help her with the debris removal and necessary phone calls, the pair managed to apprehend the two girls and secure them in the basement of Fangtasia against their will. Both were questioned, but Pam stated they were willful and refused to offer information up. After the spell @DocLudwig diagnosed as having been placed on her by a witch, she has struggled with glamoring, and found herself unable to force the pertinent information out of them.

After some brief consulting with one another, we decided to leave the girls in the basement of the club and starve them. Their willfulness will break quickly enough. If either is connected to the witches who took my blood and burned me, we will uncover it and will then be a step closer to finding those responsible. It is a small relief and victory amid the series of unfortunate happenings that have plagued Area Five since the sudden influx of witches. There will be many more victories to follow this one.

Once I was off the phone with Pam, I struggled with deciding whether or not I should tell Sookie this information when she returned home. Despite the fact that I know my lover wants vengeance upon those responsible for Fangtasia's fire and my resulting injuries, I know she would not approve of holding the girls and torturing them in much the way I myself was tortured. I decided not to tell her, not to avoid the argument that could ensue, but simply because I did not want to consider involving myself or Sookie in these things in any way. Pam has the situation in hand and I trust her with it. Sookie does not need the unpleasantness, nor do we, not when my lover has been so happy lately.

That happiness is of the utmost importance to me and I want nothing more than to maintain it. Instead of deciding how I would broach the issue when she returned from the Shifter's pub, I put in a rushed text to @LaylaDarshan with clear instructions for the next day.

Sookie returned home soon with news that left me pleasantly surprised. Her meeting with the Shifter went far better than I could have anticipated, and my lover finally explained the nature of her talk. She sought additional time away from the redneck bar in order to stay with me and adapt to my hectic schedule. It is both relieving and rewarding that she is as devoted to solidifying this rare and extraordinary thing we are sharing as I am. I know what my lover's work and income means to her, and I know she has as much pride as I do. She is so reluctant to offer any aid from me despite it being something so easy for me to give, but these things we will work through.

I am fortunate to have her. I cannot tell her such a thing enough. I am determined to show her how much I appreciate her presence in my existence and the sacrifices she has made for me more often.

I showed her that night in her kitchen. We broke her Gran's table.

When I rose Friday evening, Sookie was not in bed with me, but I could smell her cooking in the kitchen. She was obviously distracted and it quickly became apparent as to why. Layla did not disappoint in the requests I made of her the previous night. The packages arrived just as I had desired them and Sookie had spent her daylight hours wondering to the contents of them. Once she had fed, I allowed for her to quench her curiosity and open the boxes. I couldn't help but chuckle as she first discovered the gown I had chosen for her, her face filled with a kind of awe and trepidation.

I had been considering attending the @BloodBall2010 for some time and could imagine attending with no one but Sookie. Things had been so hectic that a trip to New Orleans for a party of such sorts seemed out of the question, but Sookie and I both needed a chance to get away and enjoy one another. When I invited her to attend with me, she instantly accepted, and in no time, the additional boxes were opened and we were packing for the lengthy drive to New Orleans along with Hundr, who has been quite overdue for a stay in a vampire hotel.

We didn't reach New Orleans until it was nearly dawn and Sookie and Hundr were quick to fall asleep. I knew my lover would need all the rest she could get for a busy and memorable event. When I awoke on Saturday evening, Sookie was already buzzing about the hotel room, preparing herself for her very first formal event of such magnitude. It is almost surprising to me no one has ever offered her such before. My lover deserves to be treated to the finest things in life and she looks natural in a gown of such design. It truly did hug her body in the most perfect way, making it nearly impossible for me to will myself into my tux and out of our hotel room...

But I digress. There was not even a small chance that I would deprive my lover of an event she was so obviously anticipating, and I could feel her anticipation clearly. We drove to the Magisterial Estate, where @VampireMagister hosts the event every year and as soon as we entered, Sookie was enchanted by the opulence of her surroundings. We saw @LaceyTB almost immediately upon entering and I could tell Sookie was relieved not every face in the crowd was unfamiliar. In fact, there were many familiar faces in the crowd of partygoers. @DavidCallum, @AlyxConway, Pam, @RomanLucious, @MeeMawBellefleu, @VampireStan, @KittyCatAngie, @ShifterPmt17, @CindyLouLouBear, @BranCrisp, @Lady_Cris3, and even @Vampire_Bubba looking dapper in a metallic suit were all among the collection of humans, Weres, and vampires who had amassed for the retired Magister's celebration.

And naturally, @Sookeh was there, possibly for the free food. She stopped by Sookie and I for only a few moments in order to introduce us to her new flame, @EvilDamon. The "boyfriend" was either invisible or nonexistent and I expressed exactly this, much to Sookeh's annoyance. Once the Evil One took off in another direction apparently in search of a human to sacrifice for some cause, my lover informed me she believes my daughter has an imaginary boyfriend. I do not know what to make of that, but it is Sookeh, and I find myself simply accepting it. In the grand scheme of things, this is quite normal.

Sookie also introduced me to a friend of hers, @MenaGrazie, a human who seemed quite out of sorts and jumpy despite the fact that I assured her I would not be quick to kill her when she is a friend of my lover's. I do not know why the girl was so uncomfortable. I would think any attending a ball being hosted by vampires would be comfortable among the undead, but one can never really anticipate nor understand humans fully. Sookie stated that the girl was a writer, a journalist of some kind. Perhaps she is simply more familiar interacting with words instead of individuals. It can be investigated later.

When @Kayden_D took the stage to perform for the audience, I was quick to sweep my lover out onto the dance floor. Nothing in this world compares to Kayden's voice, which seems to have been touched by the gods themselves. The Magister made a wise choice in turning her and choosing her as his lover and companion. Sookie and I danced for easily an hour on end without stopping. I had no idea she enjoyed such a thing so much, but it is exactly what such an occasion is for, and the two of us took full advantage of it. I will really have to take her dancing more often.

When she required a rest, we found a table and were quickly joined by Lacey, Dave, and Alyx, who are always the most welcome of company. Lacey was inebriated and quite upset, though she insisted she was enjoying herself. She informed Sookie and I there has been progress in @JackDanielsTB's condition and he may soon wake. I hope that with his waking, Lacey's own spirits will improve as well. It pains me to see her with such a sadness surrounding her. I will always think of Lacey as my daughter, and her pain is my own. Though I do not know this Jack of hers well yet, I can tell he brings to her what Sookie brings to me. I hope that is returned to her soon.

Chatting with the three of them with Sookie at my side was the perfect way to end the evening, and soon, Sookie and I were returning to our hotel for amazing sex. How is it that every time is so amazing and never remotely boring? I do not know, but I doubt it will be changing, and certainly do not want it to.

On Sunday, I took Sookie and Hundr on a carriage ride through New Orleans City Park to see the display of holiday lights they feature every year. This holiday season is so important to my lover, I wanted her to have the chance to experience the holiday in the Big Easy, even if we would only be there briefly. Sookie seemed enchanted by the experience and even Hundr seemed to enjoy all the lights and people buzzing about. Sookie sampled the cuisine and we strolled the gardens lazily, something we both enjoyed. Hundr enjoyed leaving his own trace on the gardens much to my amusement. Able to convince me of nearly anything, my lover even managed to get me onto the rides that had been set up for the event. Her enjoyment was my own, so I would easily do it all again.

We were both nearly reluctant to end our weekend away, but the time to return to Shreveport had unquestionably reached us. Sookie does not want to miss the birth of Tara's child and there is much more to do in our holiday celebrations. My lover has gone to work planning a baby shower for her along with @JustLafayette and @JericaMalone, and she seems to be genuinely excited for the new addition to her makeshift family, so I am pleased for her.

Last night, Sookie and I planned on decorating my home for the holiday season as we had her own home, but I found myself incapable of doing that before I discussed the prospect of our third bonding with her. I love Sookie Stackhouse, now that I have confessed to such and realize the depths of my affections for her, I desire the permanent bond that the blood exchange would form. I reminded her of my intention to travel to Sweden with @NolanFerrior this season, and asked her if she would do me the honor of bonding to me there. She immediately agreed to my relief, and has even embraced the idea of having the important exchange witnessed by some of those who will understand it's importance best. She chose a small list of people, Lacey and Jack, @BiancaNorthman and @LiamDelancy, Nolan and @NiftyJenny, Pam, and @WaylonLee_ to invite. The fact that she chose some of those most important to me pleases me if only because it assures me they are becoming important to her as well.

Of course, my lover could never stop there. Immediately she began planning a small party in which we can invite those few for the trip and explain our intentions to them. She truly is the consummate hostess. Not wanting to be one to forget any this holiday season, she is also toying with the idea of another party to include all our friends and relations. My lover is nothing if not thoughtful and infinitely thankful for those she cares for.

I will never be able to determine what I have done to deserve her, but I know I will never be able to let her go now that I have her.


Thursday, December 2, 2010

Four Letter Words

I always suspected that everything I had ever known had changed the fateful night @BarmaidSookie walked into @BarWithABite on the arm of @TruBloodBill.

Now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know I was right.

One girl, one (mostly) human girl, has managed to turn the world as I have known it for over a thousand years time completely upside down. One might fairly inquire how such a thing could be possible, but the answer is both simple and the most unfathomable thing I have yet experienced to date.

She made me fall in love with her.

Love. A four letter word that is so simple to speak, yet so impossible to truly understand and to know. Truthfully, I have always thought of it more as an idealized concept than something that actually existed. To love someone- to really love someone- I was certain was impossible. It is a word that is so casually thrown about by both the living and the undead, a word to substitute something more honest and accurate, such as “fleeting affection,” but it could not possibly be real. Not when I had so much reason to doubt it.

I have heard so many use it without an ounce of meaning. Is it really love when, after a few nights spent apart, one's eye and body is wandering towards a new party, and one's mind is wandering away from that which they claim to have such a deep affection for? Is it love when one thinks only of himself? Is it love when she puts herself first? Is it love when one's actions are fueled by the things using such a word can give them? Be it sex, blood, power, or material goods? Is it love when such a thing can be easily discarded for something more promising or more desirable? Is it love when distance or absence is able to interfere?

No. This is not love. I have never felt it was.

Of course, there have been plenty who have claimed to love me. How easily lust is mistaken for love. The difference between the two could not be more dramatic, however. While I had never loved, I have lusted. Oh, how I have lusted in my many years, but even without ever having experienced love for myself, I knew it was not the same. Passion without depth, without meaning, is nothing more than physical desire, which has always been enough for me. The kind of love I was both offered and willing to give in return left me sated. I gave no weight to the word when it was offered to me. Not when I was certain it was meaningless.

I always refused to use it myself, regardless of the cost of not returning the sentiment. Why should I perpetuate the lie? They would go on to offer someone else their brand of “love,” forgetting so easily how a word with such meaning had been offered to me, and someone new would willingly accept my own limited lust for themselves without hesitation.

Many believed they could or would change me. That in time, I would come to offer up the word so many have made nearly worthless with misuse. Just as my outward appearance had not changed since my death over a millennium ago, neither would my position on falsely claiming to love what I did not.

Really, why should it have? Even as a mortal man, I had never known nor experienced what I believed love to be. My marriage was not built upon such frivolous things as unwavering and irreplaceable affection. When my elder brother had died in battle and left behind a widow in the marriage our parents had arranged for him, it fell to me to marry her to keep our families connected. She was a good woman, a good mother to our children, and a good enough wife, but it was never truly about love. Her death was an undeniable loss to me, but my heart did not break, my world did not shatter. I had not truly lost a piece of myself with her passing, and though I grieved for the end of a woman I had come to care for and respect, I carried on.

When I had never known or experienced love for myself, I could not miss it, I could not crave it. I was not seeking it, nor expecting it to find me. Such a thing was not meant for me, I was certain of this, and I had accepted it without mourning.

Of course, that did not stop me from being curious of it. There are moments of my existence that have been encompassing in their darkness and loneliness. In such times, I allowed myself to wonder what such a thing could be like for me. Even though I was sure I could not love nor be loved, that did not stop me from wanting it. Isn’t that how things so often are though? What we can never have, we yearn for the most. I was certain it was not for me, however, so I never allowed me to fool myself into believing it could or would happen.

So naturally, when I least anticipated it, it did.

Few things for a vampire my age can ever be considered new, yet everything with Sookie has been. From the moment she first entered my nightclub, clueless and hopeless, she entranced and fascinated me. When she daringly (and perhaps foolishly) exposed her valuable gift of reading human thoughts in order to spare me and my child from being implicated in a raid on Fangtasia, I saw in her a sense of charity I had come to believe no longer existed in this world. It was the same kind of charity I foolishly offered to a stranger lying on the side of a road and calling out for aid on the last night of my life.

The difference was that Sookie knew exactly what I was, and she hadn’t hesitated at all in order to help me. I could barely fathom it.

From there, as if that in itself was not earthshaking enough, she exposed me to compassion. After she had offered up such unexpected charity and revealed her gift in doing so, I had attempted to show the girl exactly who and what she had aided. I had been so prepared to threaten and scare this young human woman beyond her wildest imaginations, to give her a dose of reality she clearly needed if she intended on not being the next Bon Temps bloodsack to wind up dead. Calling her to Fangtasia in order to uncover who was stealing from me in the manner I had should have terrified her.

And while I could smell the fear on her and see it in her mannerisms, it didn’t stop her from holding her ground in demanding no lives could be taken by using her gift. She looked at the sweaty, worthless accountant who tended the books and the vampire-addicted waitresses who wore their desperation in scars on the flesh of their necks as if they were valuable and worth something. She soothed and comforted them as she read their thoughts and questioned them aloud. She meant nothing to them. I could see in their very expressions that they loathed this girl who could single-handedly be their end, but she never let this change her demands. She protected them, without reason, and was an unwavering source of calm to them they didn’t deserve.

And I had thought I had seen everything.

I went out of my way to make the girl uncomfortable. She portrayed the image of a proper southern belle and I am proud to be the exact opposite, so I reveled in being as rude, shocking, and crass as possible. I wanted to fuck her, so I told her so often. I propositioned her in inappropriate manners in front of others despite the fact that she belonged to another. My lips sought and found hers without her approval. I tricked her into consuming my blood. I laughed at her anger and shamelessly taunted her.

And what did she do in turn? She forgave me. Forgiveness itself is a concept I am unfamiliar with. Vampires tend to seldom forgive and never forget. Had I done to another vampire what I did to her, I would have paid for it in blood and would eternally be looking over my shoulder expecting retaliation. I have had so many humans who have expected for me to purchase forgiveness in jewelry and other pricy things. Such thoughts never occurred to my Sookie. She simply met my gaze and dismissed the many ways I wronged her. Even when I did the same things over and over, even when I refused to “learn my lesson” and accept her rejection, she forgave me. Without reason, without gaining anything from it, she forgave me, time and time again.

And I cannot put into words what a new feeling being truly forgiven is to me.

When she finally rid herself of the Civil War Relic and gave herself to me, she gave me a gift I have sought for so many years through our bond. She allowed me to feel her happiness- true happiness- and happiness that I was the cause of. It wasn’t things I could give her that made her experience these feelings either. I could feel it so clearly in moments that made little sense to me. She was so happy when I simply agreed to attend a dinner with her brother, @HornDogJason. She was so thrilled when I would agree to spend my daytime death in her farmhouse instead of returning to Shreveport. She allowed me to feel her true bliss when doing nothing but watching an old movie with her on her ugly living room couch, or when first taking her into my arms after a few nights spent apart. She allowed me to feel these echoes of something I have so long ago forgotten and have spent so long searching for again, and never once hesitated to tell me with complete sincerity that I was the cause of her elated mood.

That I could make another so rare and extraordinary as her happy is the greatest gift I have ever been given.

And then, when I was not expecting it at all, she loved me. Through all the tragedies and losses my lover has felt and experienced in her brief time on this earth, she knows better than most how fleeting and fragile human life is. Still, she gave her heart to me, unguarded and raw with the pain of previous betrayals to have, hold, and protect. She gave it to me without expecting or demanding the same in turn. She offered the sentiment and did not let me feel even a hint of disappointment in her when I failed to return the words to her. She had given me the power to crush and destroy her, for no reason other than she wanted to. She trusted me with it. She demanded nothing in return.

Then, she watched me shatter. She felt my pain and helplessness so clearly as Fangtasia burned around me. She watched the proud, Viking warrior and Sheriff of Area Five be reduced to nothing more than a shell of what I am. She felt me break and then she aided the confused and lost vampire I had become out of my own miserable prison. She did not judge me for my weakness, though I believe she was as aware of it as I am. Instead, she nursed me, she cried for me, she cared for me, she protected me. She has sheltered and clothed me, knowing that doing so puts herself and her home in danger, without seeking anything in return.

She has listened to me express fears I have never been comfortable voicing to another and does not let such change her feelings for me. While I would expect most to be repulsed by the uncertainty and hesitation I find myself feeling so easily now- while I would be repulsed by another if they were the one with such uncertainty and hesitation- it has not clouded nor altered my lover’s opinions nor feelings in the slightest. If anything, it has only made her more certain she needs to be at my side, that it is where she belongs.

And the more I consider these things, the more I believe that she is right. The more I allow myself to feel what she feels for me, the more I realize I feel the same. The more time I spend with my lover, the more I realize she has become an integral and vital part of both my nights and of me. Because Sookie has opened herself so completely to me, because she has not hesitated to feel so sincerely and strongly for me, my own walls and defenses have allowed her to pass through them.

As she slumbered at my side on Thanksgiving, having submitted to her exhaustion even before all our guests had departed for the night, I found myself pondering if I could love this woman. Even as she slept, I found her presence and proximity to me to be a pillar of strength and comfort. The way she curled into my side and the way her hand instinctively curled and grasped at the air when I had first moved away from her told me I was the same to her. Even after she had seen me weakest, even when she was at her most vulnerable, she sought me and trusted me.

Being as unfamiliar with love as I am, I found myself frequently pondering it over the next few nights, trying to identify exactly what it was that I felt for Sookie. Undeniably, every moment I spend with her is important to me. Whether we are alone or with others, whether we are watching a movie, sitting around her kitchen table, or whether I am making her scream my name as she writhes beneath me, every second of it is valuable to me. I do not have to feign having an interest in her thoughts. Instead, I am genuinely curious and care about what she thinks. I value her opinion and ask for it often.

I find myself smiling so often when I am near her. After mastering the art of a blank expression centuries upon centuries ago, it is unusual to be so drawn to such a meaningful expression now. Sookie makes me laugh with relative ease and I find her own frequent smiles and laughs both satisfying and rewarding. Around her, things are easy. I find I have no great need or cause to guard myself or to act a certain way. I am able to relax and simply appreciate her company.

And then I enjoy all that is her as much as one possibly could. The warmth of her skin beneath my fingers feels right, as if my hands have been waiting an eternity just to know every inch of her body. Her breath on my neck feels good, as if it alone could warm me to my very core. The scent of her is so familiar and I am so drawn to it, I could recognize her arrival in a room full of people while blindfolded, even without our bond. Her blood is all I desire passing through my lips and everything else fails to compare and satisfy me in the same way. The sensation of her heart racing while pressed up against my own cold and silent chest feels so natural I crave it. And no matter how many times I have her, no matter how I take her, there is no trace of boredom felt by me. In fact, it is so extraordinary every time, I am nearly surprised and dumbfounded by it over and over again.

I am compelled to bring her happiness however I can, in every way I can. I desire to care for her and unburden her senseless worries so they no longer exist. I want to offer her security and build an existence with her. I want her near me, nightly, and actually find myself hoping she desires the same of me. For the first time, I find myself concerned that she may grow tired of me or grow tired of the politics and complexities of my own world and flee it. As inconceivable as I would have thought it, I find myself willing to sacrifice some of what I pride myself on if it would allot me more time with her and please her.

With each of those things considered, each and every one of them new and unexpected, it seems I can only bring myself to one conclusion that feels both good and somehow right, no matter how unfamiliar it may be.

I, Eric Northman, am in love with Sookie Stackhouse. My human, my telepath, my lover, my dearest one, has irreversibly altered my unchanging self to my very core.

And I would not have it any other way.