It seems almost unnecessary to say that the telepath infuriates me. I believe I've been saying such since nearly the first time she walked into my nightclub looking fully the part of a Southern belle who had gotten herself extremely lost in a world she shouldn't have wanted to know existed. Had she not been so firmly glued to @TruBloodBill's arm, I'd have had the girl in the back of the club, bent over my desk, moaning my name, and begging for my fangs to sink into her smooth, untainted flesh before she even realized where she had found herself.
At least, that is what I have always liked to think.
I don't like to toy with the idea that I am ever wrong. Such a thing has always seemed unfeasible, and not without reason. For over a thousand years time, I have always gotten what I wanted, when I wanted it. I have gotten who I wanted, when I wanted them. If, by some miracle, someone did not see eye to eye with me, I changed their mind with an ease others could only dream of possessing. Call it charisma, call it strength, call it wisdom, intuition or even a bull-headed stubborn demeanor none could break me of, it matters not to me. At the end of the night, I was always the victor, content to revel in the glory of my spoils.
Until that wonderful, awful, exciting, annoying, amusing, infuriating, fascinating, damning night, anyway.
How is it one tiny human can drive me so completely insane?
Nights on end I have thought of her to the point she has seemingly possessed me. In my moments of silent, inner reflection, oblivious to the world around me, how often has her faced flashed through my thoughts? How many times have I cursed the night the telepath first came to me seeking aid only to follow the damnation up with wondering why she is not at my side? How often have I laid down at dawn with her name playing through my head only to wake at darkness with her name embarrassingly begging to leave my lips?
What fuckery is this?
I've attempted fruitlessly to figure it out more times than I care to count, let alone acknowledge. What is so special about this girl? One who should be as insignificant to me as every other human I have ever had? Is it simply that I haven't had her? When she finally yields to me completely, will I finally get @BarmaidSookie out of my head? Can something that has consumed me so completely be so easily shaken?
She was Bill's. Every time I heard her or him remind me of such a thing it was a challenge to my ears. If Bill had managed to attain her, I could naturally take her for myself. I am superior to Bill in every way. Such should be considered a simple fact by all. This was no normal human though, something that was impossible not to know from the very beginning. Sookie is- dare I think it- special. I'm not speaking of her gift, though that in itself is rare and extraordinary and possessing her is something that would have all others of my kind coveting me, but that was not what I noticed. She is obviously beautiful, but I can find and have any dozen women a night who are equally appealing to the eye. I would not even bother to learn their names. That wasn't it.
It was her life, her spirit, that drew me in. It was her blind acceptance of things and those she should not. It was her compassion for those who did not deserve it. It was how she preferred to be invisible than seen. It was the way she carried herself proudly through whispered words of harsh judgment. It was her courage to answer to no one but her conscience. It was a spark within her that could not be extinguished by anyone.
It was how she is everything I am not.
Is such a thing really so rare? I can hardly say I often take the time to get to know the mortals around me. Most bore me before they ever open their mouths to offer their dull introductions. How can Sookie fascinate me so much? I don't understand it, but I want desperately to know. A simple explanation... something to ease my mind so I can file Sookie away into the back of my thoughts and no longer be bogged down by this hopeless, senseless curiosity. I keep telling myself once I have her completely, I will be able to walk away from her and dismiss her as I have dismissed so many.
But do I even believe that any longer?
Three nights. Three nights in a row I have given to this human. When was the last time a single human was worthy of, let alone given three nights of my existence for no reason other than I desired their companionship? Yes, it was Sookie's birthday and I have used that as justification to others, to Sookie, and to myself as the reason for my time with her, but is that true? Can I admit to myself that I wonder if it is more than that? Can I admit to myself that I truly did mean what I told @AnnaPPhillips? That Sookie- a human who refuses me more often than not- is important to me?
She is. And it baffles me. And it concerns me.
Compton no longer stands in my way, but Sookie refuses me. While I am nearly positive he is somehow to blame for it, rejection is something I preferred being unfamiliar with. I will not push the telepath, but can I endure the personal humiliation forced upon me every time I am pushed away? Her very blood calls out to me and I can feel myself flowing through her veins, but my very involvement with her endangers so much that is important to me. I can never claim to think with a completely clear mind when near her and that is what makes good vampires second dead. Is the risk I am taking worth this? Is anything worth this torment?
Perhaps distance is the answer. I know @BiancaNorthman would support such a solution wholeheartedly. Every night I have returned to the room we are sharing, I am certain she has smelled the telepath upon me. I can feel her contempt and nearly see the cogs in her head turning, trying to figure out if there is a way she can eliminate the waitress I have bonded to, the human I care for more than I should. I have had Sookie so near me for some time now, perhaps that is my mistake. I feel her nightly, whether I intend on such or not. Since I find no resolution in my curiosity and desire, she consumes me further. If I push myself away, could I shake this hold she has on me?
I don't really know and I hate not knowing, but isn't anything better than this?
Nothing involving humans should be allowed to be this confusing and tormenting. I better drain and fuck something tonight, if only for my own sanity.
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